feeling it

Today I lost plenty of money taking Little Lion to the pediatrician and covering medication costs so-called insurance doesn't yet cover. But she's healthy and meaner than ever. 44" and 46 lbs.

My day was hectic but good. I didn't turn down any invitations and enjoyed feeling loved. I'd been asking for it all along anyway, no?

I had a great breakfast with an attractive mujer, a great lunch with a tender friend and enjoyed a movie with someone who is more important to me than I ever realized. I got to hang with Little Lion and got a compliment to my writing from dulce, a compliment that meant a lot.

I was really feeling like that person I claim to be, the person I work to be when no one else is thinking about what I mean to them.

who can say?

Mercury must be out of retrograde. I've gotten calls I never expected, including one from Cliffy. She told me she was thinking of me and I realized I didn't even know how to read that. You know, it's actually good to not be so in tuned to someone but it does mean a greater need for true and accurate communication. Let's hope when we talk more she can tell me what she really feels/needs/is capable of/wants.

Sadly, the god of communication hasn't yet opened the doors to the special joint committee now reviewing SB6. This because they added Talton as one of the five representatives on a panel of five reps, five senators, to hash out the differences in the Child Welfare bill.

Talton, who has NO expertise in child welfare and is not a true author of the 170 page bill, offers no benefit to the committee. Let's hope the other nine dudes are actually going to give him a "talking to", i.e. a whooping.

good (?) old times

I've been thinking of Ya Vez. Can't help but. Probably because I have a new friendship starting that needs to not go the traditional lesbian route (no u-hauls). Yes, I'll avoid that since I can't handle any kind of commitment right now AND the friendship is good AND we aren't a good long-term match.

But, it brings up Ya Vez and my missing the old days. And I think about being with her again even if I know there are fundamental reasons why I can't return to that.

Seems that www.freewillastrology.com feels the same way:

LIBRA (Sept. 23-Oct. 22): Polls reveal that many Germans wish they could return to the days when the Berlin Wall was intact. They complain that dismantling the barriers between the eastern and western portions of the country has led to economic turmoil in both areas. I mention this, Libra, because I think it resembles a feeling you're currently harboring. A part of you is longing for the bad old days when a now-defunct obstacle was a fixture in your life. You're romanticizing the protection that the obstacle offered and forgetting how oppressive and limiting it was. It's OK to entertain the fantasy of restoring the wall--in fact, I recommend that you do--but don't you dare actually restore it.

I love this horoscope because the guy is a writer/poet/musician too so he places his ideas around larger issues and ideas. I never expected, however, that he'd be telling me what I didn't want to hear from myself. Damned.

scrumptious

My boss celebrated his birthday at Saba this evening and, despite my slight fever, I put make up on, covering my flushed face and adding some red lipstick. That was all I needed to feel a little better. I wasn't going to go to the gathering because of my sicky feeling but also because I thought Cliffy would be there. I've never wanted to avoid someone before but I'm not ready to see her.

I feel she lied when she told me she wanted a relationship, and after our discussion, I feel she still lied in saying she wanted to be friends. So far, I only heard from my new friend when I called her to see how she was. I want honesty in a relationship, any kind of relationship. Why is it easier to say something that will appease someone instead of just giving it out? Yes, that hurts/surprises/freaks too but I had such an expectation with Cliffy that she wasn't able to give me because what she was proposing wasn't truly what she could give. If she had just not bothered promising anything we would still be having a good time.

Maybe it's Saba's house red that made me feel a little better. Maybe it's the surprise visit I got from Ya Vez this morning but I realize I don't need to compromise while I'm free. Compromise I'm willing to do once I've met my match.

So I went, and a had some great conversation and incredible food and the women said my hair was muy sexy and Cliffy didn't show.

Funny was that Little Lion's cooking class was cancelled so she called the house looking for me and then called Ya Vez's house. Why the after school care place still has this number is beyond me but I had to laugh when she told Ya Vez she needed a ride but didn't need one from her, that she would just wait for me. THAT's the kind of straightforward talk I want people to be capable of.

Some examples:
I want you to fuck me because I'm missing my ex.
I think you are a good woman but don't see us being together in a committed relationship.
I'm needing your company because I'm lonely.
I don't know if we'll talk any more once either of us finds a girlfriend.
I know I've been shitty with you but I still want you in my life.

Try it today. Just say the shit honestly. Be different today. What does it cost?

revealing

Somehow, people all around me now say I look and act free. They are envious and enjoy my openness with others. Meanwhile, I'm looking at people at the bar, in restaurants, sitting at my table, and realize I don't feel real freedom unless I know I have a home.

I always told Ya Vez that my home was within her. When I'm stressed, I still think to call her, to fall into her warmth and feel more whole. And it doesn't mean I still see a life with her or that anyone after her is less than. But she is someone who was (and is) very important to me because we connected so strongly. It didn't help that, a couple of days ago I was looking at my personal phone book and realized I don't have a lot of people I can truly count on.

I looked at my daughter, Little Lion, a couple of weeks ago and realized I hadn't been giving her the attention she needed because I've been dealing with the divorce with Ya Vez, the joining with Cliffy and that separation. This in additional to greater demands at work and my own writing goals. So I try to give her some loving but it's hard when I feel like I'm still hurting and don't know all the ways it will take to heal.

MFI (Mi Fabulosa Intern) is dealing with her own negotiations with her ex and when we talk around that I can see the space we all occupy when we are in between. Sometimes it would be nice to not have to do the struggle alone, to just ask someone to hold you and give some love. There should be job openings for this kind of work.

new poem

I was writing so much from the holidays until this month. I haven't written anything in almost two weeks. It's nice to know the words are there waiting when I really give them the attention they deserve. I thought I'd share a new piece online. Let me know what you think.


give away

sometimes all I can manage is the coffee pot
no sugar, tossed milk
there’s no love in the act of shifting
the spoon from one side of a ceramic mug to the other

gloria left a message this morning
knew I was taking my little girl to school,
said she cannot support women anymore
that the world has to do without her ears and hands
because, in cleaning her kitchen she found no hands
and, taking her morning walk, there were no ears

the wetness in the air has left her, for now, barren
the mothers all around me have come to term
and still no birth,
we say the world cannot be carried inside anymore,
must be pushed out for the proclamation
but no one listens

mothers are good, will give their six month notice
even that won’t be enough time to restructure the change
we'll be left like motherless houses

what might be different about the warmth of my coffee
if women stop holding the universe in their bellies?

I miss Cliffy

love is in the air

I had a great evening but woke up this morning to find that the Texas House has voted favorably on the CPS renovation bill which includes Talton's discriminatory exclusion for queers. Now the House-Senate committees must hash out the differences in both bills that passed. Let's hope that, rather than spending additional money to ask one question and then have to enforce that question (not just for potential foster parents but for existing foster households), some lightening strikes their minds and they realize how ridiculous, separatist and expensive this change is.

What we need is an image of the Virgin Mary. If we have this crap going on here, you have to wonder what devilishness has been happening in Chicago to warrant the appearance of La Virgen. Apparently, the person who first saw the apparition had been praying to pass a final at a culinary school. If La Virgen could show up at an underpass on the Chicago Kennedy Expressway, she could show up on a piece of white bread Talton is set to stuff into his mouth.

Note to restaurants in the area. Here is what Talton looks like:
www.house.state.tx.us/members/dist144/talton.htm

Grab a magic marker and draw a picture of La Virgen on a sourdough roll!

pleito

well well well

How is it Ya Vez can insist on calling me, especially at work, and sound sweet. But if I should email her or contact her, all the world's come undone and she has every right to her anger. I will just say that she must work on her people skills (i.e. Don't screw with someone who you may need something from later - hey wait, she's the one who taught me that!). All this would be easier to accept IF her call wasn't about some Christmas ornaments of hers she wants returned. Well, I suppose Christmas IS just around the corner...

There's more going on than this call from Ya Vez so she shouldn't take my time any longer.

I woke up today to find that some fool Texas Representative added a line removing the possibility for queers to become foster parents. You can see the story here: www.statesman.com/news/content/shared/tx/legislature/stories/04/20cps.html

What's worse is that this Representative Talton would actually be quoted as saying he knew that a bill authored with just this discriminatory language would never pass BUT one passed within an appropriate bill meant to improve services for children in need as well as assist those who are working on their behalf will, more than likely, be allowed. The bill has currently passed the Senate (without Talton's amendment) but now goes to the House (with Talton's amendment) for a final vote before both sides come together for a final agreement.

I will do a Justice Scalia here with my visionary look at the issue : it seems to me that if a perfectly good bill, which allows for parents seeking full rights to their children to be screened for those things in their lives which would have had them lose custody temporarily in the first place, then how far of a stretch is it until being queer becomes criminalized within Child Protective Services? Should a queer person work to regain custody of their child, case workers must then ask how a person identifies sexually, meaning that that queer parent may have some problems ever being with their child again.

Then, at work this morning a middle school counselor called me to let me know that she had a child with "gender issues" whose "choice" meant he was being harassed by fellow students. I asked her if he was trans and she told me he was gay. I know that straights don't normally know queer stuff but to confuse gender issues with sexual orientation is a gross oversight, even if these issues tend to lead one into another.

Given that, this morning at a red light, I was stopped behind a white van with one bumper sticker that said "Viva Bush" (and not in the good way) and another that said "Marriage = 1 Man + 1 Woman", I should have known this day would have my hairs all ruffled up. I took my foot off the brake for just a moment. We make choices in our lives, huh?

I'll feel better later, but not before sending hate mail to some senator representing Pasadena, TX. By the way, if you see Ya Vez, please tell her to enjoy the holidays. They go by so quickly.

eleggua

Woah, que noche y que manana!

I had a productive conversation last night with La Deb who, even while smiling / blushing / nervously looking around the room, tells it straight up and still carries her softness.

Then the world opened up and Cliffy reached out to me via the phone, finally calling me. I worried a lot about her because we hadn't talked, and because of the discussions we didn't have in the week she stayed with me. I also missed so much of her. I'm actually eating more egg just to finish the two dozen she bought for our house just before she left to visit her mother. Small reminders.

In the week we suffered through together, I lit a candle to Eleggua (trickster, orisha of the crossroads, directly responsible for communication abilities) and spent most of that week looking at the image of Santo Nino with my eyebrows low, wondering if I had opened the door of a trick on myself.

Ya Vez moving was an opening and I remember smiling at Eleggua, realizing the curious way paths are opened. I don't know all the reasons Ya Vez moved, but I do know that it helped having Cliffy in the house. I cannot thank Cliffy enough.

And I know that Cliffy's love and her leaving, equally, let me feel free again.

I used to think I wanted equality in a relationship. Much like the gay struggle for marriage, no? Fuck equality, I want liberation. And I'm not alone in my struggle. My sexy friend Vandilla could be a UN peace mediator between warring countries, he's been dealing with his forever/never partner in negotiating coupledom for an eternity now.

As it is, jotos are the caretakers of this country. Just here in Austin, every day on the news, some government official, humane society director, hospital official, non-profit development director or fast food manager, watches over their part of the city, shows up on the television and my gaydar wakes up. Queer POC come equipped with the need to heal, the need for freedom.

But, like learning a second language, the translation of that freedom becomes equality, something much smaller. Equality = placement at the same level as a perceived norm. Liberation = a way of being.

el shaddei working

I just came back from viewing kt shorb's Chicks, Dicks and Chinks installation/performance (http://www.ktshorb.com/default.htm) and it has me thinking about my own play in progress.

Built on a series of poems, the voices in my piece (tentatively titled El Shaddei - a feminine name for god) are slowly coming together, and I have started visualizing the setting. In my craziness I see how spaces like the allgo theater or the Vortex could be manipulated for what I see. I wonder, too, how to make those more intricate aspects of my play work within a larger setting, like embellishments on a costume that must be admired closely. I'm beginning to see it.

I was amazed at the way kt assumes a certain understanding from the audience. Only one installation piece was directly utilized within the performance - a simple wash basin, shaving cream and razor. Other installations were never referenced but became a part of the space and people took time to view them, to walk through the space. It certainly carried a different energy.

Presumed genderqueer sensibilities helped just let the piece be. In a lot of ways, kt was actually able to be hirself, even while in character, because s/he was living it on the stage. I enjoy that idea : that we have the opportunity of being completely ourselves and not having everyone know every little thing. As Hector Lavoe said, cada cabeza un mundo/every head carries its own world. Those spaces where we don't have to be like anyone expects or even like we expect ourselves to be should be cherished. Those are true rebellious moments.

I've always said and really believe that if straight people had to go through as much introspection and dilemma, this world would look entirely different. Every moment would be self-critiqued, and some measure of clarity would be assumed. Others would respect the final choices of individuals better, knowing there was a culture of self-definition and struggle behind identity creation and orientation. Rebellion, not normalcy, should be necessary for growth and change.

me, before the hair chopping...

Yes, I still have the big forehead.

cutting hair

I feel air at the back of my neck!

I cut my hair for all sorts of temporary reasons: liberation, denying women in my past who loved my hair, for something different and probably for that old idea of starting a new phase in life.

Mostly I cut it because I deserved to see myself differently. I am a seductress who doesn't need hair to get the job done. No Delilah cut my locks a la Samson. I can see my face and hope others will take a good, gentle look at me.

I missed the tranny road show entirely. The show was to begin at 8 but who starts a hot tranny show right at 8? What, no DJs spinning, no flirt and tease with the masses? I did get to see Maggie Jochild (her link's at the right) perform for part of the Austin International Poetry Festival's events (www.aipf.org). She was one of few who were bad ass. She always is but that's besides the point.

Unfortunately, many women's poetry readings become discussions about men and I cannot count the number of times I heard the word balls. I had hoped for a feminist take of the world, not further discussion on gender differences bordering on Men are from Cali, Women are from NY. One woman pissed me off when she declared she was tired of men and so she must have to be lesbian. Meg's and my face said it all : "No one's calling on you from this side, mujer." Bah.


I want to send hellos to Mi Fabulosa Intern (MFI), for hanging with me last night when I made passes at women at the bars we went to. There's so much work involved in the transgender program we're developing it's good to know she can deal with my tigresa moments and enjoy herself.

And a hello to La Deb, new friend and great gal, who allowed me to love on her dog and has to be unique in that she's butchy and takes longer to get ready for some simple tacos than I do! Yes, MFI, I was still borachita this morning. But I'm fine now.

I am super fine and the world is spinning sweetly.

new chapter warrior

I'm going to a show tonight that's part of a tour stop for the Tranny Roadshow (www.trannyroadshow.com). While the website shows some incredible potential for diversity, the performers at tonight's event will be predominantly white. Still, there are so few doing quality, gender queer stuff I want to support.

On the homefront : I cannot believe how good I slept! Those who know me know my bouts with insomnia and bad dreams when I do sleep. From the last trip Ya Vez made out of the house last night to this morning, the house has felt a lot lighter. Even my grass looks more green and the dog is more calm. There's goes the susto!

Bujale.

I had a great breakfast and conversation with TH this morning. TH did this incredible painting of me! I've never been more honored. I've posed for paintings before but never felt like I'd been adequately captured. And I hadn't even taken my clothes off for this painting!

Of course, our main topic was relationships and sex and the things we do or deal with in order to get fucked. TH is straight so she has it easier, she admits. But even then, she expertly described, there are only a limited number of times you can have sex with someone without there being some expectation for something else. The lesbian community here wants instant relationships. It's like Sea Monkeys : add lube and instant family.

Yes, yes. I want a relationship. But I want solid friendships that become community and family. And I'm busy, working on the stuff I want right now.

I am so tired of playing the femme (though I love being the girl) in lesbian scenarios, waiting for the other person to tell me what they want and can provide. I want someone to woo me and be open with me. I'm tired of being so ready to get on my knees, going down.

gone

I didn't expect a call from my landlord to say that Ya Vez would be moving by midnight tonight.

My first thought was to buy a six-pack and sit on the back porch to watch the process, applaud occasionally and truly verify he was telling the truth.

While I feel LOADS better she's going, this and many other events these last three months, work to remind me of the ways we were good together and the many ways we were dysfunctional.

Hell, who doesn't use the word "dysfunctional" anymore - who has not been fucked by some body or some thing or some idea to screw with the way we feel about ourselves, our body, our own ability.

I wish Ya Vez luck, not just with all of life, shit, she can't be moving/living that far away. I wish her luck with the stuff she carries that makes her so angry so often. And let's hope it doesn't have to become a blame thing.

We each carry our own shit. Sometimes you can find someone who will help you with your load for a little while. Then you can make a cafecito and carry their crap for them for a little while. We all deserve to rest within some moment in our hearts.

Guadalupe Victoria Yoli Raymond vive!

I chose the title and some sayings for this blog in honor of my favorite salsa singer of the 1960s and 1970s : La Lupe.

Lycos has a pretty good bio of her at http://music.lycos.com/artist/bio.asp?QT=A&QW=La+Lupe&AN=La+Lupe&MID=38284&MH=

Known for her santeria work, her phoenix way of rising from the ashes and and her exhilarating performances, La Lupe remains an icon for women who don't behave. I don't know many others who could compete with her in their need to take off clothing while singing (maybe Alejandra Guzman!).

Take this incredible quote from La Lupe's song, "La Tirana":

Según tu punto de vista, yo soy la mala.
Vampiresa en tu novela, la gran Tirana...
Según tu punto de vista, yo soy la mala,
la que te llegó hasta el alma, la gran tirana . . .
According to your point of view, I am the bad one.
Vamp of your soap opera, the grand tyrant . . .
I am the bad one. The one who reached your soul, the grand tyrant . . .

La Lupe, known for usurping male privilege and defying ideas of femininity and masculine control, still speaks strongly, making her a fitting drag performance favorite even now, despite her death in 1992.

One must play the bad mujer, unfortunately. So often I enjoy being an outsider here in Austin. It allows me to really evaluate how history and individuals connect, especially in East Austin politics and culture. I'm only now making inroads into the communities I admire and want to work with and for. But this outsider space also makes me la tirana. After all, who knows me? How often have I torn my heart out of my body to show my worth?

Maybe I should date women who don't do so damned much in town.

Wow, I think I need some coffee. I'm becoming surreal.

La Mala

So many bloggers start their blogs asking themselves - why am I doing this?

I supposed I should take time to answer this. Dulce says it's a release and I believe her. So much of my activist work is about liberation for our peoples and may be I believe that liberation has to begin within the self.

Facts: I broke up with an incredible, passionate woman, who'll live on these pages as Ya Vez, who was also verbally abusive and realized she liked the idea of butch even if she doesn't really know what butch means. While we worked together to further the arts community here in Austin, I was faced with no support for my own writing career. I woke up my own destructive tendencies and so did she. We were good but not good. Passionate in all the good and bad of that.

Then I met another woman, who I'll call Cliffy, who was gentle and sincere. An actor and healer. My having broken up with the first woman might have marked me as someone who shouldn't be in a relationship so soon, but it doesn't help that my ex lives behind my house and that, somehow, when Ya Vez calls me or emails me it's okay but when I do the same, in the name of pseudo friendship, then Cliffy ends up answering the door to Ya Vez's wrath. Oil and vinegar.

No surprise, Cliffy and I don't work either. Yes, I know, relationships shouldn't start within 3 months of old relationships, and yes, there's no way to have any kind of relationship when your ex lives at your back door!, and yes, I'm an emotional wreck even if I am happy that I will not give up my ways of expressing. Besides, Cliffy's a beautiful woman with this really gorgeous chin - why not give in to trying?

But, what have I learned? Love is not enough.

My ex partner helped me in realizing I wanted to live all of my life, to not suffer the half-life so many women suffer because of familial and institutional systems of control. I feel everthing, I'm too emotional/too needy/too giving. I will not give these up. Staying separate from myself, separate from the people I have near me and separate from the community means staying dead. Count me in, shit.