Friday, August 25, 2006

alright, I'm over it.

last couple of days, while all sicky, i was mean. i realize now i'm not a good sicky person. i'm mean, can't hear because i'm all congested, no food is right, i can't stay still and don't want to hear anything contrary 'cause it's all about me.

i don't know where that came from. i didn't use to be like that.

but whatever. i'll accept it.

and now that i'm a little better off, i realize that my ex, who is a good woman, was just keeping the conversation going and had a doctor visit for good reason.

i've been working on friends' resumes lately. makes me feel capable of something, you know? and it reminds me that I can give to someone. i just don't want to be taken advantage of.

been talking real nice with this attractive woman who i have great conversations with. feels good to be free enough to be able to talk with whomever i choose without some explanation. i love the taste of liberation.

Ah, the freedom from pigweed!

Wednesday, August 23, 2006

no sympathy

come on! I'm never sick. how do I manage to get a call from an ex who might be good to give me some encouraging words, and all that happens instead is she tells me she too has a doctor appointment happening.

I'm sick.
But my ears aren't so clogged I can't hear that I'm not being heard.

welcome to San Anto...

... capital of the country's highest murder-suicide rates (not just murder, not just suicide, but both - together!) and a personal welcome to me from my allergies.

joy - continued violence in a city which melds rabid-dog religious fanatics, latino morality and an economy based on tourism. And we wonder why SA's got such great numbers in other things too : overweight folks, poverty levels, violence in schools, etc, etc, etc.

If I wasn't so sensitive right now, this wouldn't be such a huge issue.

I have had huge allergy issues since 1990. They worsened each year. Before leaving here for Austin, I would end up with 3 or 4 bouts of tonsilitis each year, brought on by the congestion from allergies. Mostly pigweed - go figure - it doesn't show up much here.

I didn't have one bout of tonsilitis while in Austin though I did still have allergies. The only time I got something close was when I got strep throat but that was because the girl I was seeing at the time had it and we kept reinfecting each other - those were good times (and a much better reason than pigweed!).

I'm stuck at home the rest of the week for this tonsilitis. My throat hurts horrible, my body hurts enough and I have a low grade fever. I went to see a doctor today so at least now I have antibiotics.

Worse than that, I'm stuck at home because driving anywhere hurts me and nyquil really does make you sleepy! So, I caught yet another case of a murder-suicide that happened here in San Anto. And anther case of a transgendered woman who the news today because her case against a local police officer began today. Despite the police officer being accused of raping the victim and forcing her to please him, it was she who was repeatedly named by her male name and called a transsexual and a drag prostitute. No surprise - it's Fox news' handiwork.

And print media is using transsexual too - isn't the preferred word transgender? What's wrong that the media hasn't gotten it yet? What does it take - for Latinos to be referred to as wetbacks? Do they need to see themselves somewhere in a news story before they are willing to make change? Or even discuss the case, as several news stations didn't even mention the story.

All this shit just makes me feel my fever climbing.

Tuesday, August 22, 2006


damn, I hate when I get sick. I'm not good to anybody, am in a bad mood, can't concentrate and wish I wasn't so alone.

I'd been missing Annette, even while I knew it was best we weren't seeing each other. I hate that I don't have enough energy to give to another person right now - even if I've been needing it.

Being sick makes me wish for that light touch, for someone to ask me how I'm doing. Tigrette's been great, helping me as she can, cleaning up after herself and generally being low-maintenance.

I think I might be getting tonsilitis. My fever stayed with me most of today and I am achy. My tonsils having been swelling up but are worse now, with some puss forming at the back. Super nasty. I'm not feeling too pretty.

Monday, August 14, 2006

My apologies to middle and upper middle class Cuban Americans who thought they'd be taking their boats 90 miles South by next weekend to claim Cuba

Seems Fidelito is just fine. Even better, Cuba, the country, seemed to do just fine without his omniscience.

If I were a Republican conspiracy theorist (instead of the liberal one that I am), I might suggest that these photos of Papa Fidel in an Adidas running outfit were doctored, a la Osama bin Laden video and voice recordings.

But, I'm actually happy the island stayed peaceful. And a little surprised the American government was so low-key about the whole thing. Could it be someone in the White House finally believes that the more you pound on someone (or their country and leader), the more they'll back them? I wonder if maybe that's why Bush was with a high percentage this last election over the first. If we were a dictatorship who wanted to look democratic, and Bush could run over and over again, would he continue gaining voters?

I'm not saying Cuba shouldn't have Fidel. I work at a nonprofit where the executive director's been there countless years. I've seen other nonprofits headed the same. They could all benefit from some fresh blood. I suppose if the organization was doing well that thought wouldn't have crossed my mind at all...

Another question : How much did Adidas pay Fidel to wear their clothing line? Props on the culturally specific branding done by Adidas. Scope out American Adidas and Adidas Latinoamerica. Seems appropriate that the brand's new logo is Impossible is Nothing.

Saturday, August 12, 2006

revisiting resolutions

I just happened to close the door to a woman I was trying to date for a little while, having handed her some stuff she left here. She wanted to move in and could see a wedding. Wow, that's fast. And I realized I just didn't feel it like she did.

And worse, I had this guilt over it. Why do we have to make relationships like they did in the old days - date for a little, become exclusive after a night of incredible sex and then try to buy each other rings and live like married people? Why can't continued growth in the relationship mean we travel together, take a class together, spend weekends at each others' house or invite other couples over? Why can't growing close mean we decide to read a book together or plan a vacation together rather than instantly shack up?

I want some real growth because it seems to me that the growth that happens once couples move in and commit is more about where one will place their hair spray or how the other one acts in the morning before their coffee. So we learn to accomodate but what do we really learn about each other?

I used to believe the hype that I was a good catch and so, of course, someone was going to want to snag me. I had lovers justify possessiveness by claiming they loved me so much. Now I wonder if it's more about the pressure of being coupled and hell, I seem easygoing, so I can't be too hard to live with. Quien sabe - I've devoted too many brain cells to answers around this subject as it is.

I started this post to look at how I'm doing 1/2 a year (more of less) into the resolutions I wanted to consider for this 2006.

I've done pretty poorly but won't count myself out. Here are the resolutions I drafted those last days of December (highlight beneath each to see my update) :

1. live healthier (around healthier people, with healthier food, in healthy environments) Actually I've done pretty well here, but am still looking for female-led dojos or casual spaces to do actual physical activities. I put this resolution in because I was in an unhealthy relationship with Cliffy at the time.

2. devour the knowledge of things I've wanted to get my hands on and make them my own. I haven't tackled this at all except within work, which has helped me. Still, I put this resolution down because I do a fair amount of research around each poem and thought that I could "live" some of my poems if a research topic interested me and I could take it on.

3. live in my body - truly enjoy and be present. I'm doing really well here - asking for what I need, developing a greater self-respect, doing energy work. It's amazing how you open up this can and so much more needs to be opened up and explored. Makes me think of Tigrette who has been asking me why we only use 10% of our brains and what would we be like if we used the full 100%.

4. move on (from the city, the plateau, the way of being, into a space that is truly awe-inspiring and tangible. Well, I've certainly moved, but haven't yet created any kind of foundation. I feel like I'm wearing high heels and all around me are mud puddles - I am afraid to just step into something and really be part of it.

5. write, really write. I'm failing this one really well. With the move and work and no foundation, I'm tripping on just how little writing I can get done. Artists need some small support or they can't create. That I realize now.

Friday, August 11, 2006

at last, a word on Castro's whereabouts

The media has been surprisingly quiet as to Fidel's health, even to Raul's absence from view in Cuba. Everywhere in Cuba and Little Havana, even in New Jersey I'll bet, small groups of Babalows or Santeros are gathering to meditate on his death or life or in the limbo he must be in. Several have reported he is no longer with us.

Cubans spread gossip amongst themselves too: My mother called me yesterday to tell me, almost in whisper, that a Russian paper had an article about how both Fidel and his brother had been killed and that remaining government heads are unsure as to the next step. And, of course, that Washington knew already.

Worse that Bush was caught saying Cubans living in the US now deserved to be able to go back to their homeland and reclaim their living and work spaces. It was just a few years ago that Bush celebrated, in the White House, the impact of Cuban Americans in the US, with the 100th anniversary of Cuban independence. So, does he want Cubans here or over there?

My mother, always in bed by 9:30, sent me this picture by email last night around 11:30:

Seems Fidelito's headed here. Wachale Bush!

can't be true

You Are 76% Evil
You are very evil. And you're too evil to care.Those who love you probably also fear you. A lot.

Thursday, August 10, 2006

how are you, Sunny?

I've been thinking about you and hope you are well. I am sorry I didn't call or visit before you left Austin for the NE.

Monday, August 07, 2006


Lordy, I've done really poorly at connecting with my friends. I'm not doing so well avoiding anyone either.

Work has gone from bad to worse. I remember thinking, after being there one month, that it seemed like each week was another rock thrown at me. Now, 7 months later, and I have a stockpile of rocks!

Dating is fruitless - maybe I'll talk about it later.

And I can't believe how much I'm looking forward to Tigrette going back to school - something about her schedule making me, potentially, write more consistently.

I'm hurting because I'm not writing consistently.