No, I didn't learn my lesson with the first illness (which was, it turns out, strep throat, not tonsilitis). I had one beautiful day of true food eating and was back to feeling nasty when the antibiotics wore off.
I wondered what was up with my throat. I used to have throat problems when I was on the cusp of new writing/great change, but this second bout of illness (still strep), has me thinking I've been moving too fast in my body and mind.
It's been a hellish kind of year, even if there were some great things, so I am SO looking forward to my birthday to be done with this year. I talked with Ya Vez and told her it started with the open house we had for our new home and her new office. People were jealous or upset we should be so happy. People should learn not to read the outside story so blankly. What's the name of that David Byrne song about a man who can change his face to truly show his character?
My head, like this entry, is all over the place.
It doesn't help that I had to have a ct scan this morning because the doctor thought I might have an abcess in my throat. The iodine injection was horrible and I felt so horrible for an hour after. I left the place crying because the machine was so bad and I felt so alone. I felt so embarassed about the whole thing too because there I was, a grown woman, sitting in some dark parking garage crying my eyes out.
I'm feeling calmer now, and things seem to have finally settled some. My throat hurts like mad but I just keep the liquids up and everything's good. I've got to look half decent since I've got Tigrette's open house at her school tonight.
Oh lord, all those kids...
Showing posts with label Ya Vez (la ex wife). Show all posts
Showing posts with label Ya Vez (la ex wife). Show all posts
Thursday, August 25, 2005
Friday, July 29, 2005
splinter in my palm
I saw Ya Vez yesterday because I needed perspective. Work has changed and my writing is harder to pull out and I had an unexpected bill that, because I'm working class, means I cannot pay for the one class I need to finish a B.A. that I don't truly want but must have in order to do a Master's.
When we were together I knew she was mad at me when she called me by name first name. Things were good if she called me baby, she was feeling okay if she called me honey and we were playful when she called me mama. But she's calling me by my name and I realize now it's necessary. I asked her the first few times if she was mad at me, because of our earlier way of being but she wasn't - would have no reason, we aren't anything to each other and both feel that our time is done and the good of what we can still offer is support, straight-up conversations when we aren't being honest to anyone else and a good work ethic.
So we are trying for names again and, as always, Dulce was right in saying we can't use those old names. They don't account for growth. Still, I did ask Ya Vez to use Jo instead of JoAnne. It's easier on my ears and a name I prefer now anyway. Transitions, you know.
All this to say, I had a couple of things on my mind and she saw it in my face. Without saying anything, she reached for my hand and pinched the middle of my palm as though plucking a splinter out. I instantly felt my preoccupation gone.
Ya Vez is not a potential for me. In some ways she's an outsider to my life. She doesn't know my friends, we have no expectation of getting back together, she and we have both developed unique life lines now that don't have us intersect in tangible ways. And maybe all that distance but some of the original feeling put her in the position to truly remove my burdens for a little while.
When we were together I knew she was mad at me when she called me by name first name. Things were good if she called me baby, she was feeling okay if she called me honey and we were playful when she called me mama. But she's calling me by my name and I realize now it's necessary. I asked her the first few times if she was mad at me, because of our earlier way of being but she wasn't - would have no reason, we aren't anything to each other and both feel that our time is done and the good of what we can still offer is support, straight-up conversations when we aren't being honest to anyone else and a good work ethic.
So we are trying for names again and, as always, Dulce was right in saying we can't use those old names. They don't account for growth. Still, I did ask Ya Vez to use Jo instead of JoAnne. It's easier on my ears and a name I prefer now anyway. Transitions, you know.
All this to say, I had a couple of things on my mind and she saw it in my face. Without saying anything, she reached for my hand and pinched the middle of my palm as though plucking a splinter out. I instantly felt my preoccupation gone.
Ya Vez is not a potential for me. In some ways she's an outsider to my life. She doesn't know my friends, we have no expectation of getting back together, she and we have both developed unique life lines now that don't have us intersect in tangible ways. And maybe all that distance but some of the original feeling put her in the position to truly remove my burdens for a little while.
Sunday, July 24, 2005
brusca
Okay, so I finally got it. After two days of promising a movie to my daughter, and countless gatherings and meetings and things I wanted and/or needed to do, I gave up on a 6 p.m. reading by LeAnne Howe at BookWoman in order to subject myself to a child's movie without support (i.e. another adult who can remind me I did once love cartoons).
I never did hear if my meeting at 4 p.m. was a yes or no and, in calling the radio station, I got to talk to the radio host but she didn't know if it was happening or not either. So, my 4 p.m. was gone too.
I ended up going to Grrrl Action, a great workshop for young women (13 to 16 y.o.) who write and dramatize their work. I love supporting these kinds of spaces because I'm jealous they weren't available or accessible for me when I was young. I found my own mentors by hanging out at this used bookstore and talking with old, mostly male, poets. Instead, these teens got to support each other and worked with another woman. That kind of community is incredible and, unfortunately, still hard to come by. Luxurious spaces - I've said it before.
Then I went to Alejandro's art opening and saw these super bad ass welded pieces that seemed to be inhaling and exhaling. They were alive and large enough they seemed to alter the way the tiny coffee house's energy seemed to move.
I ordered the drink that seemed to symbolize me (something I always secretly do) and talked with Alejandro for a while. He gave me the word brusca - dumb, stupid, not getting it. And it's appropriate since I didn't get that Tigrette needed some Tigrette time!
We talked about Ya Vez a little and he, like others, told me something about her that reminded me that, no matter how much I still feel for her in terms of misplaced loyalty, I'm glad to be gone.
Well, now for a meditational moment to prepare myself for movies. At least I was able to gain some energy from the Cuban con leche (condensed milk, steamed water and two espresso shots). Isn't that a great name? At another coffeehouse I get the Mexican Chocolate Latte (yes, that too is me!).
ommm
I never did hear if my meeting at 4 p.m. was a yes or no and, in calling the radio station, I got to talk to the radio host but she didn't know if it was happening or not either. So, my 4 p.m. was gone too.
I ended up going to Grrrl Action, a great workshop for young women (13 to 16 y.o.) who write and dramatize their work. I love supporting these kinds of spaces because I'm jealous they weren't available or accessible for me when I was young. I found my own mentors by hanging out at this used bookstore and talking with old, mostly male, poets. Instead, these teens got to support each other and worked with another woman. That kind of community is incredible and, unfortunately, still hard to come by. Luxurious spaces - I've said it before.
Then I went to Alejandro's art opening and saw these super bad ass welded pieces that seemed to be inhaling and exhaling. They were alive and large enough they seemed to alter the way the tiny coffee house's energy seemed to move.
I ordered the drink that seemed to symbolize me (something I always secretly do) and talked with Alejandro for a while. He gave me the word brusca - dumb, stupid, not getting it. And it's appropriate since I didn't get that Tigrette needed some Tigrette time!
We talked about Ya Vez a little and he, like others, told me something about her that reminded me that, no matter how much I still feel for her in terms of misplaced loyalty, I'm glad to be gone.
Well, now for a meditational moment to prepare myself for movies. At least I was able to gain some energy from the Cuban con leche (condensed milk, steamed water and two espresso shots). Isn't that a great name? At another coffeehouse I get the Mexican Chocolate Latte (yes, that too is me!).
ommm
Monday, June 13, 2005
pay back?
I have had one idea in my mind all day : the day Ya Vez visited my house to talk to Cliffy. How shitty to be asking questions about my personal relationships. How very macho and fucked up.
And though I don't believe in Ya Vez' changes, I am still surprised (why am I always still surprised by her actions?) that Ya Vez would dare to bring the woman she's seeing now into my workplace to introduce her to an organization she doesn't much like, and people she's not especially close to. Just to stare at me sheepishly but not be upfront and introduce me to the woman.
There were other opportunities for her to do the tour, or she could have chosen not too come in at all. I had a moment where I wanted to tell this woman to watch out for Ya Vez. I wanted to do the same kind of unsuspecting knock on the door that Ya Vez gave Cliffy. I don't guess Ya Vez remembered I do the mailing list at work and I have this woman's contact information. There are still secrets to be told, aren't there?
But that would make me like Ya Vez. She's honest and an "old soul" alright, when it benefits her. At other times, pure childishness.
While I know it's wrong, I did at least feel better that she didn't look good in her freaky gold lame coat at the woman's dance, or any better today in her drag femme look. I guess she is back to where she was before me - Now she just has to forget how to eat out, kiss with any decency or truly be there for someone without expecting anything (wait, she never did get that one down).
Okay, I feel better.
And though I don't believe in Ya Vez' changes, I am still surprised (why am I always still surprised by her actions?) that Ya Vez would dare to bring the woman she's seeing now into my workplace to introduce her to an organization she doesn't much like, and people she's not especially close to. Just to stare at me sheepishly but not be upfront and introduce me to the woman.
There were other opportunities for her to do the tour, or she could have chosen not too come in at all. I had a moment where I wanted to tell this woman to watch out for Ya Vez. I wanted to do the same kind of unsuspecting knock on the door that Ya Vez gave Cliffy. I don't guess Ya Vez remembered I do the mailing list at work and I have this woman's contact information. There are still secrets to be told, aren't there?
But that would make me like Ya Vez. She's honest and an "old soul" alright, when it benefits her. At other times, pure childishness.
While I know it's wrong, I did at least feel better that she didn't look good in her freaky gold lame coat at the woman's dance, or any better today in her drag femme look. I guess she is back to where she was before me - Now she just has to forget how to eat out, kiss with any decency or truly be there for someone without expecting anything (wait, she never did get that one down).
Okay, I feel better.
Monday, May 30, 2005
basta
okay, so I'm not feeling myself today
and while it may be hormones or Mercury or that I haven't had coffee
I don't understand how there are so many
who can accept someone's gifts/honor/support
but not give it.
I was talking to Ya Vez about how I've never been in a relationship with someone who wants to truly give me a massage or rub my feet or temples. I have to ask for it. But I give that. And freely, until I never get it back.
And I hate to start these mental marks, counting the ways someone doesn't think I would like the things they themselves would like showered on them, but she said something simple. It's got to be give and take. So far I give and others take.
There's a lot of work to be done in a relationship and I'm not all together but I realize that age or experience or even previous relationships are not a determiner for who is good in a relationship. Even talking only does so much because eventually the real us seeps out and we start again in negotiations. And asking ourselves how much we are willing to give up.
I am not feeling well
and right now, instead of talking to me,
everyone who claimed they loved me
is giving me distance.
and while it may be hormones or Mercury or that I haven't had coffee
I don't understand how there are so many
who can accept someone's gifts/honor/support
but not give it.
I was talking to Ya Vez about how I've never been in a relationship with someone who wants to truly give me a massage or rub my feet or temples. I have to ask for it. But I give that. And freely, until I never get it back.
And I hate to start these mental marks, counting the ways someone doesn't think I would like the things they themselves would like showered on them, but she said something simple. It's got to be give and take. So far I give and others take.
There's a lot of work to be done in a relationship and I'm not all together but I realize that age or experience or even previous relationships are not a determiner for who is good in a relationship. Even talking only does so much because eventually the real us seeps out and we start again in negotiations. And asking ourselves how much we are willing to give up.
I am not feeling well
and right now, instead of talking to me,
everyone who claimed they loved me
is giving me distance.
Thursday, May 26, 2005
ya vez in extreme like, me dissolving love
Ya Vez called me to tell me she met someone.
I'm not upset, not even jealous. And the protector in me even felt good about this woman, or at least good about the sound in Ya Vez's voice.
I keep telling myself it's not connected - my splitting with Cliffy and Ya Vez's phone call with her news.
But Ya Vez told me she had a dream, after not dreaming for two weeks, about me. Ya Vez was at the office (behind my house) and Little Lion and a friend of hers went to visit. Her friend told Ya Vez that she was in love with me. Then Ya Vez sees me in the back yard with a plow, planting seeds and knows I'm happy and doing my work.
I freaked because we both knew Little Lion's friend was Cliffy but didn't say. Ya Vez asked me if I was happy and I told her I was, but I did not mean because of the relationship with Cliffy. There I was in that dream, alone in the backyard doing my work, and the woman who claims to love me was hanging with my child instead of helping me. It meant a lot in that dream that I was working alone, that my potential partner was hanging/having fun. I want a relationship, like community, where we work together. I realized what I already knew - that Cliffy wasn't an equal in a relationship with me.
So much of me wants to still have her in my life. Enjoy the sex and laughs - but for me it's too late for that frivolity with her. She, at one time, in that first instant and in our first months together, did want relationship/community with me - she promised that. Moved in part to be that with me. Then couldn't give it. If she had just never promised we wouldn't be like this now.
I always hold people to their promise. Don't promise what you can't give.
I'm not upset, not even jealous. And the protector in me even felt good about this woman, or at least good about the sound in Ya Vez's voice.
I keep telling myself it's not connected - my splitting with Cliffy and Ya Vez's phone call with her news.
But Ya Vez told me she had a dream, after not dreaming for two weeks, about me. Ya Vez was at the office (behind my house) and Little Lion and a friend of hers went to visit. Her friend told Ya Vez that she was in love with me. Then Ya Vez sees me in the back yard with a plow, planting seeds and knows I'm happy and doing my work.
I freaked because we both knew Little Lion's friend was Cliffy but didn't say. Ya Vez asked me if I was happy and I told her I was, but I did not mean because of the relationship with Cliffy. There I was in that dream, alone in the backyard doing my work, and the woman who claims to love me was hanging with my child instead of helping me. It meant a lot in that dream that I was working alone, that my potential partner was hanging/having fun. I want a relationship, like community, where we work together. I realized what I already knew - that Cliffy wasn't an equal in a relationship with me.
So much of me wants to still have her in my life. Enjoy the sex and laughs - but for me it's too late for that frivolity with her. She, at one time, in that first instant and in our first months together, did want relationship/community with me - she promised that. Moved in part to be that with me. Then couldn't give it. If she had just never promised we wouldn't be like this now.
I always hold people to their promise. Don't promise what you can't give.
Monday, May 23, 2005
arandinas
I have had this incredible craving for a night of dancing, some cheap beers and a late night stop at arandinas, this taco place on Riverside that Ya Vez and I would go to. Nothing tasted better after all the sweating and beer than an avocado taco and pozole with watered-down coffee.
Cravings - I never had them during pregnancy with Little Lion but now I have them and would like to give in occasionally.
Cravings - I never had them during pregnancy with Little Lion but now I have them and would like to give in occasionally.
Monday, May 02, 2005
moratorium on Ya Vez
starts today.
I'm wiping my tables off.
I'll be posting up some of my old poems about Ya Vez and the end of my life with her (basing their posts on their creation or completion dates) so take a look through the archives for old entry dates starting in late December 2004.
I'm wiping my tables off.
I'll be posting up some of my old poems about Ya Vez and the end of my life with her (basing their posts on their creation or completion dates) so take a look through the archives for old entry dates starting in late December 2004.
Wednesday, April 27, 2005
good (?) old times
I've been thinking of Ya Vez. Can't help but. Probably because I have a new friendship starting that needs to not go the traditional lesbian route (no u-hauls). Yes, I'll avoid that since I can't handle any kind of commitment right now AND the friendship is good AND we aren't a good long-term match.
But, it brings up Ya Vez and my missing the old days. And I think about being with her again even if I know there are fundamental reasons why I can't return to that.
Seems that www.freewillastrology.com feels the same way:
LIBRA (Sept. 23-Oct. 22): Polls reveal that many Germans wish they could return to the days when the Berlin Wall was intact. They complain that dismantling the barriers between the eastern and western portions of the country has led to economic turmoil in both areas. I mention this, Libra, because I think it resembles a feeling you're currently harboring. A part of you is longing for the bad old days when a now-defunct obstacle was a fixture in your life. You're romanticizing the protection that the obstacle offered and forgetting how oppressive and limiting it was. It's OK to entertain the fantasy of restoring the wall--in fact, I recommend that you do--but don't you dare actually restore it.
I love this horoscope because the guy is a writer/poet/musician too so he places his ideas around larger issues and ideas. I never expected, however, that he'd be telling me what I didn't want to hear from myself. Damned.
But, it brings up Ya Vez and my missing the old days. And I think about being with her again even if I know there are fundamental reasons why I can't return to that.
Seems that www.freewillastrology.com feels the same way:
LIBRA (Sept. 23-Oct. 22): Polls reveal that many Germans wish they could return to the days when the Berlin Wall was intact. They complain that dismantling the barriers between the eastern and western portions of the country has led to economic turmoil in both areas. I mention this, Libra, because I think it resembles a feeling you're currently harboring. A part of you is longing for the bad old days when a now-defunct obstacle was a fixture in your life. You're romanticizing the protection that the obstacle offered and forgetting how oppressive and limiting it was. It's OK to entertain the fantasy of restoring the wall--in fact, I recommend that you do--but don't you dare actually restore it.
I love this horoscope because the guy is a writer/poet/musician too so he places his ideas around larger issues and ideas. I never expected, however, that he'd be telling me what I didn't want to hear from myself. Damned.
Saturday, April 23, 2005
revealing
Somehow, people all around me now say I look and act free. They are envious and enjoy my openness with others. Meanwhile, I'm looking at people at the bar, in restaurants, sitting at my table, and realize I don't feel real freedom unless I know I have a home.
I always told Ya Vez that my home was within her. When I'm stressed, I still think to call her, to fall into her warmth and feel more whole. And it doesn't mean I still see a life with her or that anyone after her is less than. But she is someone who was (and is) very important to me because we connected so strongly. It didn't help that, a couple of days ago I was looking at my personal phone book and realized I don't have a lot of people I can truly count on.
I looked at my daughter, Little Lion, a couple of weeks ago and realized I hadn't been giving her the attention she needed because I've been dealing with the divorce with Ya Vez, the joining with Cliffy and that separation. This in additional to greater demands at work and my own writing goals. So I try to give her some loving but it's hard when I feel like I'm still hurting and don't know all the ways it will take to heal.
MFI (Mi Fabulosa Intern) is dealing with her own negotiations with her ex and when we talk around that I can see the space we all occupy when we are in between. Sometimes it would be nice to not have to do the struggle alone, to just ask someone to hold you and give some love. There should be job openings for this kind of work.
I always told Ya Vez that my home was within her. When I'm stressed, I still think to call her, to fall into her warmth and feel more whole. And it doesn't mean I still see a life with her or that anyone after her is less than. But she is someone who was (and is) very important to me because we connected so strongly. It didn't help that, a couple of days ago I was looking at my personal phone book and realized I don't have a lot of people I can truly count on.
I looked at my daughter, Little Lion, a couple of weeks ago and realized I hadn't been giving her the attention she needed because I've been dealing with the divorce with Ya Vez, the joining with Cliffy and that separation. This in additional to greater demands at work and my own writing goals. So I try to give her some loving but it's hard when I feel like I'm still hurting and don't know all the ways it will take to heal.
MFI (Mi Fabulosa Intern) is dealing with her own negotiations with her ex and when we talk around that I can see the space we all occupy when we are in between. Sometimes it would be nice to not have to do the struggle alone, to just ask someone to hold you and give some love. There should be job openings for this kind of work.
Saturday, April 16, 2005
new chapter warrior
I'm going to a show tonight that's part of a tour stop for the Tranny Roadshow (www.trannyroadshow.com). While the website shows some incredible potential for diversity, the performers at tonight's event will be predominantly white. Still, there are so few doing quality, gender queer stuff I want to support.
On the homefront : I cannot believe how good I slept! Those who know me know my bouts with insomnia and bad dreams when I do sleep. From the last trip Ya Vez made out of the house last night to this morning, the house has felt a lot lighter. Even my grass looks more green and the dog is more calm. There's goes the susto!
Bujale.
I had a great breakfast and conversation with TH this morning. TH did this incredible painting of me! I've never been more honored. I've posed for paintings before but never felt like I'd been adequately captured. And I hadn't even taken my clothes off for this painting!
Of course, our main topic was relationships and sex and the things we do or deal with in order to get fucked. TH is straight so she has it easier, she admits. But even then, she expertly described, there are only a limited number of times you can have sex with someone without there being some expectation for something else. The lesbian community here wants instant relationships. It's like Sea Monkeys : add lube and instant family.
Yes, yes. I want a relationship. But I want solid friendships that become community and family. And I'm busy, working on the stuff I want right now.
I am so tired of playing the femme (though I love being the girl) in lesbian scenarios, waiting for the other person to tell me what they want and can provide. I want someone to woo me and be open with me. I'm tired of being so ready to get on my knees, going down.
On the homefront : I cannot believe how good I slept! Those who know me know my bouts with insomnia and bad dreams when I do sleep. From the last trip Ya Vez made out of the house last night to this morning, the house has felt a lot lighter. Even my grass looks more green and the dog is more calm. There's goes the susto!
Bujale.
I had a great breakfast and conversation with TH this morning. TH did this incredible painting of me! I've never been more honored. I've posed for paintings before but never felt like I'd been adequately captured. And I hadn't even taken my clothes off for this painting!
Of course, our main topic was relationships and sex and the things we do or deal with in order to get fucked. TH is straight so she has it easier, she admits. But even then, she expertly described, there are only a limited number of times you can have sex with someone without there being some expectation for something else. The lesbian community here wants instant relationships. It's like Sea Monkeys : add lube and instant family.
Yes, yes. I want a relationship. But I want solid friendships that become community and family. And I'm busy, working on the stuff I want right now.
I am so tired of playing the femme (though I love being the girl) in lesbian scenarios, waiting for the other person to tell me what they want and can provide. I want someone to woo me and be open with me. I'm tired of being so ready to get on my knees, going down.
Friday, April 15, 2005
gone
I didn't expect a call from my landlord to say that Ya Vez would be moving by midnight tonight.
My first thought was to buy a six-pack and sit on the back porch to watch the process, applaud occasionally and truly verify he was telling the truth.
While I feel LOADS better she's going, this and many other events these last three months, work to remind me of the ways we were good together and the many ways we were dysfunctional.
Hell, who doesn't use the word "dysfunctional" anymore - who has not been fucked by some body or some thing or some idea to screw with the way we feel about ourselves, our body, our own ability.
I wish Ya Vez luck, not just with all of life, shit, she can't be moving/living that far away. I wish her luck with the stuff she carries that makes her so angry so often. And let's hope it doesn't have to become a blame thing.
We each carry our own shit. Sometimes you can find someone who will help you with your load for a little while. Then you can make a cafecito and carry their crap for them for a little while. We all deserve to rest within some moment in our hearts.
My first thought was to buy a six-pack and sit on the back porch to watch the process, applaud occasionally and truly verify he was telling the truth.
While I feel LOADS better she's going, this and many other events these last three months, work to remind me of the ways we were good together and the many ways we were dysfunctional.
Hell, who doesn't use the word "dysfunctional" anymore - who has not been fucked by some body or some thing or some idea to screw with the way we feel about ourselves, our body, our own ability.
I wish Ya Vez luck, not just with all of life, shit, she can't be moving/living that far away. I wish her luck with the stuff she carries that makes her so angry so often. And let's hope it doesn't have to become a blame thing.
We each carry our own shit. Sometimes you can find someone who will help you with your load for a little while. Then you can make a cafecito and carry their crap for them for a little while. We all deserve to rest within some moment in our hearts.
Thursday, April 14, 2005
La Mala
So many bloggers start their blogs asking themselves - why am I doing this?
I supposed I should take time to answer this. Dulce says it's a release and I believe her. So much of my activist work is about liberation for our peoples and may be I believe that liberation has to begin within the self.
Facts: I broke up with an incredible, passionate woman, who'll live on these pages as Ya Vez, who was also verbally abusive and realized she liked the idea of butch even if she doesn't really know what butch means. While we worked together to further the arts community here in Austin, I was faced with no support for my own writing career. I woke up my own destructive tendencies and so did she. We were good but not good. Passionate in all the good and bad of that.
Then I met another woman, who I'll call Cliffy, who was gentle and sincere. An actor and healer. My having broken up with the first woman might have marked me as someone who shouldn't be in a relationship so soon, but it doesn't help that my ex lives behind my house and that, somehow, when Ya Vez calls me or emails me it's okay but when I do the same, in the name of pseudo friendship, then Cliffy ends up answering the door to Ya Vez's wrath. Oil and vinegar.
No surprise, Cliffy and I don't work either. Yes, I know, relationships shouldn't start within 3 months of old relationships, and yes, there's no way to have any kind of relationship when your ex lives at your back door!, and yes, I'm an emotional wreck even if I am happy that I will not give up my ways of expressing. Besides, Cliffy's a beautiful woman with this really gorgeous chin - why not give in to trying?
But, what have I learned? Love is not enough.
My ex partner helped me in realizing I wanted to live all of my life, to not suffer the half-life so many women suffer because of familial and institutional systems of control. I feel everthing, I'm too emotional/too needy/too giving. I will not give these up. Staying separate from myself, separate from the people I have near me and separate from the community means staying dead. Count me in, shit.
I supposed I should take time to answer this. Dulce says it's a release and I believe her. So much of my activist work is about liberation for our peoples and may be I believe that liberation has to begin within the self.
Facts: I broke up with an incredible, passionate woman, who'll live on these pages as Ya Vez, who was also verbally abusive and realized she liked the idea of butch even if she doesn't really know what butch means. While we worked together to further the arts community here in Austin, I was faced with no support for my own writing career. I woke up my own destructive tendencies and so did she. We were good but not good. Passionate in all the good and bad of that.
Then I met another woman, who I'll call Cliffy, who was gentle and sincere. An actor and healer. My having broken up with the first woman might have marked me as someone who shouldn't be in a relationship so soon, but it doesn't help that my ex lives behind my house and that, somehow, when Ya Vez calls me or emails me it's okay but when I do the same, in the name of pseudo friendship, then Cliffy ends up answering the door to Ya Vez's wrath. Oil and vinegar.
No surprise, Cliffy and I don't work either. Yes, I know, relationships shouldn't start within 3 months of old relationships, and yes, there's no way to have any kind of relationship when your ex lives at your back door!, and yes, I'm an emotional wreck even if I am happy that I will not give up my ways of expressing. Besides, Cliffy's a beautiful woman with this really gorgeous chin - why not give in to trying?
But, what have I learned? Love is not enough.
My ex partner helped me in realizing I wanted to live all of my life, to not suffer the half-life so many women suffer because of familial and institutional systems of control. I feel everthing, I'm too emotional/too needy/too giving. I will not give these up. Staying separate from myself, separate from the people I have near me and separate from the community means staying dead. Count me in, shit.
Wednesday, December 29, 2004
poem : paper walls
Ya Vez and I broke up at the same time of the tsunami in Asia - we both agreed it seemed the world was ending
paper walls
how the hand can reach into another room
palm against the textured wall
some hands aren’t as telepathic
feel no trigger of heat
during the pacing of floorboards
the cadence of vibrations toward the walls
one finger is damaged in making a phone call
and another still able to point out
the bad word used in place of please
damaged the tendons of the palm
the structure of the house
when a country on the other side of the world collapses
paper walls
how the hand can reach into another room
palm against the textured wall
some hands aren’t as telepathic
feel no trigger of heat
during the pacing of floorboards
the cadence of vibrations toward the walls
one finger is damaged in making a phone call
and another still able to point out
the bad word used in place of please
damaged the tendons of the palm
the structure of the house
when a country on the other side of the world collapses
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