Monday, August 29, 2005

Crawford, TX

Delhi asked me if Bush had horses because she's desperate to ride one. I told her he probably did on his ranch just northeast of Austin. She asked if she could ask him if she could ride one and I told her that he probably wouldn't let her, considering his vacation in Crawford was so he could stay away from people. Besides, I told her, he probably isn't too keen on giving favors to people who disagree with him.

My daughter went to Crawford, TX with a couple I adore and, while she didn't talk much (she never does), she watched the news that night and said, out loud, "I was there!". That phrase struck me because of the intent in her voice. She was claiming her role in the larger picture. I wish I could have been there with her, making signs and talking with others. More than that, just being present - to count as a body - one of many who haven't yet died for oil in a fucked up war effort - a body that stands to disagree with those who claim leadership.

Makes me think of Judy Miller, still in jail for not revealing a White House source. Tigrette not talking unless she has too, keeping some secrets to herself because she knows how important information is/how it has to be held close to the body/hugged to her chest like something that's loved.

Tigrette's resilient. Appearing more strong now that her bushel of hair is gone into a pixie cut - revealing the very complex face she carries. Boitels don't come into this world lightly, even if we know how to let loose. It's no surprise we all have big mouths and a history of starting fires/bombs/revolutions/thinking.

Thursday, August 25, 2005

it hurts to laugh

No, I didn't learn my lesson with the first illness (which was, it turns out, strep throat, not tonsilitis). I had one beautiful day of true food eating and was back to feeling nasty when the antibiotics wore off.

I wondered what was up with my throat. I used to have throat problems when I was on the cusp of new writing/great change, but this second bout of illness (still strep), has me thinking I've been moving too fast in my body and mind.

It's been a hellish kind of year, even if there were some great things, so I am SO looking forward to my birthday to be done with this year. I talked with Ya Vez and told her it started with the open house we had for our new home and her new office. People were jealous or upset we should be so happy. People should learn not to read the outside story so blankly. What's the name of that David Byrne song about a man who can change his face to truly show his character?

My head, like this entry, is all over the place.

It doesn't help that I had to have a ct scan this morning because the doctor thought I might have an abcess in my throat. The iodine injection was horrible and I felt so horrible for an hour after. I left the place crying because the machine was so bad and I felt so alone. I felt so embarassed about the whole thing too because there I was, a grown woman, sitting in some dark parking garage crying my eyes out.

I'm feeling calmer now, and things seem to have finally settled some. My throat hurts like mad but I just keep the liquids up and everything's good. I've got to look half decent since I've got Tigrette's open house at her school tonight.

Oh lord, all those kids...

Tuesday, August 16, 2005

yay! new digs!

I got good news. The apartment complex I'd applied at finally came through! So, I have a place to stay.

Thank god. As I walk around this house, I realize I STILL have so much to throw away but now I feel better about putting things in boxes.

still recuperating

I'm still not feeling well, though the world seemed right again today - Mercury no longer in retrograde and Tigrette back at school. She looked so cute this morning. Super tall and self-assured. She was surprised when I told her on Sunday and Monday that we were going to buy school supplies. I had forgotten to tell her that school was starting again. So, she spent the last two nights incredibly happy and jumping in her skin.

She was also really happy she got into class with one of her best friends from last year.

For me, there's something about again knowing that, no matter what I'm up to, I have to get her to school by 7:15 a.m. and pick her up by 6 p.m. at her after school camp.

I've started writing again. Not lots but with the preparation for the move and chaos and illness, my writing took a seat in the back of the bus. It's nice to know she doesn't leave. I also got invited to be featured readyer at a venue so that was a nice ego booster. I don't know when that will be happening though.

I still need sleep however. Tonight, to celebrate Tigrette's return to school, we are ordering pizza and watching some Disney movie. The things I do for my baby.

Sunday, August 14, 2005

ms. invincible

Shit - I got sick, which is why there's been no blog entries. Last Saturday I had a strange sore throat and some body aches late in the day. By Sunday my tonsils were huge and hurt. I had chills and sweats and ended up with a fever ranging from 101 to 103.9. I thought to go to the emergency room but I've had my tonsils swell before and who can, even with health insurance, afford the $75 emergency room visit?

By Monday my tonsils were sitting on the bed with me. Grey, nasty pulsating things. I went to a doctor and he was the sweetest thing. I was hallucinating and cold in the office and he came in and, just looking at me, asked if I was okay. I think he was freaked. I know my hair was way gone.

So I got meds but was no good to anyone for a while. My voice was horrid. No food from Sunday night through Wednesday when I had some incredible ribs La Deb's roommate made. They were hell to swallow but it was a better picture than the one the day before, when I ate four bites of a cucumber and had to chug it down with a liter of gatorade.

Today is better, though I'm doing these small coughs that hurt and go on and on. Water is still the #1 food choice and I truly believe that, despite being a fruit lover, I have had enough fruit for the month of August.

La Deb

First we were brought together by one of her friends at the allgo dance, then we became friends, then we were intimate, then we stopped and tried friendship again, then we hung out a lot because we were friends. Then we stopped talking because I tripped out.

Now we are talking again and I am glad she made the call. I was missing her but was too bullheaded to have called. I can't even say why.

I had another conversation with her just now where she is upset I didn't call.

Why is it I don't seem to have the words? I haven't met anyone who tells me I'm not allowed to get lost a little when I want/need to, especially when Tigrette's at her Nana's house, but I don't quite have my electrons working to at least call first and say "listen, I'm disappearing".

Sunday, August 07, 2005

moving party

why not?

Hello everyone. I've given my 30 day notice to move from the casita (a.k.a. the house of love) and have some stuff I don't want to carry on to the next adventure. Yes, it's a long story - aren't they all?

Why don't you come by, hang out, peruse the items, listen to some music, talk a little with me? The stuff is free but you can bring a snack item or beverage if you like.

Hey, this is more about connecting with my community than about having a lot of stuff to give away, though sample items include a white floor lamp, kid's carpet, books, plants, curtains, cooking pots and utensils, toys, miscellaneous, etc.

Sunday, August 7
4 p.m. to 6 p.m.

1308 Haskell Street

See you there!

Saturday, August 06, 2005


estoy cansada ya de cajas!

on the plus side, I'm having zen moments where I realize I don't need anything.

My grandfather once moved to Texas, despite hating it, because he got in an argument with my aunt. Several months later, he bought a ticket to visit Florida and my mother, as a surprise to him, was going to clean his apartment while he was away.

She noticed two things were gone and knew that he was moving back - the blender and the coffee press.

She called him and said "You staying? What do you want me to do with your stuff?" To which he said "Tiralo al mar." She retorted, "The ocean here is 3 1/2 hours away."

He didn't care about stuff - just wanted to be where he felt the urge to be.

Tuesday, August 02, 2005

little brown sun

I don't know why it upset me so much to see that this ceramic sun I got in my sophomore year in high school, personally painted and with the biggest red lips I've ever seen on any clay figure, was broken. I bought it at El Mercado when I'd go downtown on the bus by myself and just hang out.

I had the sun hanging, by a little nail, above a light switch in my kitchen since February. I used to wear the sun sometimes. Pin it on my school bag or hung it on my wall of suns in my first big apartment in San Antonio.

In all that time, in all the banging, falling, misplacing, it had never broken.

But, a couple of weeks ago someone dropped it when turning on the kitchen light. I remember hearing it fall but can't place who or when. I'd never touched it when turning on the switch - I suppose it's because it's my house and I know where the light switch is. But, this weekend I happened to look at it and several of the rays of the sun chipped or broke off entirely.

My feelings were so hurt. With everything going on right now I didn't want to see this small symbol of cultura and happiness broken. I took it down and replaced it with a tin heart cut out because it would not break if it fell. I can't throw it away but don't know where to place it. So, I'm going to place it here:

I'm not the kind to carry things with me. For some reason I carried this around and now I'm going to think of a place to put it where it can now stay.