Saturday, April 23, 2005


Somehow, people all around me now say I look and act free. They are envious and enjoy my openness with others. Meanwhile, I'm looking at people at the bar, in restaurants, sitting at my table, and realize I don't feel real freedom unless I know I have a home.

I always told Ya Vez that my home was within her. When I'm stressed, I still think to call her, to fall into her warmth and feel more whole. And it doesn't mean I still see a life with her or that anyone after her is less than. But she is someone who was (and is) very important to me because we connected so strongly. It didn't help that, a couple of days ago I was looking at my personal phone book and realized I don't have a lot of people I can truly count on.

I looked at my daughter, Little Lion, a couple of weeks ago and realized I hadn't been giving her the attention she needed because I've been dealing with the divorce with Ya Vez, the joining with Cliffy and that separation. This in additional to greater demands at work and my own writing goals. So I try to give her some loving but it's hard when I feel like I'm still hurting and don't know all the ways it will take to heal.

MFI (Mi Fabulosa Intern) is dealing with her own negotiations with her ex and when we talk around that I can see the space we all occupy when we are in between. Sometimes it would be nice to not have to do the struggle alone, to just ask someone to hold you and give some love. There should be job openings for this kind of work.

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