Tuesday, April 19, 2005


Woah, que noche y que manana!

I had a productive conversation last night with La Deb who, even while smiling / blushing / nervously looking around the room, tells it straight up and still carries her softness.

Then the world opened up and Cliffy reached out to me via the phone, finally calling me. I worried a lot about her because we hadn't talked, and because of the discussions we didn't have in the week she stayed with me. I also missed so much of her. I'm actually eating more egg just to finish the two dozen she bought for our house just before she left to visit her mother. Small reminders.

In the week we suffered through together, I lit a candle to Eleggua (trickster, orisha of the crossroads, directly responsible for communication abilities) and spent most of that week looking at the image of Santo Nino with my eyebrows low, wondering if I had opened the door of a trick on myself.

Ya Vez moving was an opening and I remember smiling at Eleggua, realizing the curious way paths are opened. I don't know all the reasons Ya Vez moved, but I do know that it helped having Cliffy in the house. I cannot thank Cliffy enough.

And I know that Cliffy's love and her leaving, equally, let me feel free again.

I used to think I wanted equality in a relationship. Much like the gay struggle for marriage, no? Fuck equality, I want liberation. And I'm not alone in my struggle. My sexy friend Vandilla could be a UN peace mediator between warring countries, he's been dealing with his forever/never partner in negotiating coupledom for an eternity now.

As it is, jotos are the caretakers of this country. Just here in Austin, every day on the news, some government official, humane society director, hospital official, non-profit development director or fast food manager, watches over their part of the city, shows up on the television and my gaydar wakes up. Queer POC come equipped with the need to heal, the need for freedom.

But, like learning a second language, the translation of that freedom becomes equality, something much smaller. Equality = placement at the same level as a perceived norm. Liberation = a way of being.

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