Monday, August 27, 2007

all my eggs + one basket = ?

I've been depressed, in that dichotomous way I do:

I've given my attention to my daughter's room since she deserves it. Her room was a modge podge of stuff with no order, no unifying color. Now, with a new desk, a lounge chair, cubbies and her room rearranged, she's loving it. My mother made me cry last week when she told me that Delhi had a great sense of humor and that she wouldn't know what to do if she didn't have her close. I've been thinking of grad school somewhere far away.

I have to force myself to bed and can't sleep but I can sit for a minute and fall asleep so hard I'm dreaming instantaneously. Sometimes I'm so relaxed my muscles feel soft - I'm not used to that feeling. Other times my back is fine then tenses up so completely I can't turn around when I'm parallel parking.

I've started writing but have this complete distaste when I'm doing it. Almost nausea, almost hate to look at the page.

I've gone back to music as a way to escape some - Annie Lennox helps some.

I know I'll be okay. I think I'm just surprised at how long it seems to have taken me to bounce out of this funk. Maybe it doesn't help that I haven't been meditating regularly or that I don't have a good friend to talk to (or rather, that I can view right now as someone I could talk to).

Wednesday, August 08, 2007


ya no se como lo hago...
me estoy poniendo loca - poco a poco.

I managed to write some on a piece I'd started about a month ago. It's turning too narrative but I've managed to separate the piece into parts so I'm hoping the narrative becomes okay as I add in some of the more personal tones.

My computer is acting up so I spent about an hour cleaning through it and got rid of 50 versions of my resume through the years, as well as those of others I'd created, old graphics, etc. Still have a lot to go through. By then I was a zombie. I'd not slept any (Delhi got sick on the ride home from Austin on Sunday night and, it turns out, actually was sick - keeping me up all night with uneasiness, hurting stomach, throw up, odd food requests, etc.)

The day before, I stayed with my mom, cooking and washing clothes, cleaning up, etc. She still can't put any weight on her foot and she's not in a good mood about it. Worse, I wouldn't have gone to Austin at all for the day if I knew what was happening at the house. We spoke the next day and my mom said that my father didn't cook anything, didn't ask her if she needed anything - general ass behaviour. It made me realize that, while I am not the best at naming/finding/acquiring home or at being in a secure and loving relationship, my parents are horrible examples of both. I started realizing that my daughter's ease in establishing home and her possessive though tender love are symbols of growth past the examples previously worked out.

Like always, I'm an intermediary of sorts. I sometimes wish I weren't.

While in Austin I did get to see Carol and Lilia for a bit. They moved to a new place so I bought them some dinner - it's not easy to cook when boxes are everywhere, I know that from experience!

I also got to see Sunny, who is on her way to Minnesota (a surprise to me!). It was so good to see her. My nickname for her does suit her - whether she would agree or not is another thing. While we talked for some time, I think it was just the best when, in saying good bye, she told Delhi "see you in Minnesota". Had I written in here we were planning a trip to Minneapolis/St. Paul to see my "homeland" (as much home as any other place in this hemisphere)? Yes, I'm planning a trip in November.

I miss school - I was thinking about that today. I'm going to find a couple of strange classes to join. My mind is wandering - I suppose that's a good thing.

Thursday, August 02, 2007

ah, there it is

I haven't written in about a month. Well, that's not true. I have written tidbits here and there but nothing with any energy or daimon attached.

As soon as I finished class I picked up a book by Oscar Hijuelos. "A Simple Habana Melody" seemed perfect. The last few weeks I've been listening to couple of hours of latin jazz and classic salsa on Trinity University's radio station. It's actually replaced my church going (in a good way) and reminded me of my consistent love of music and its history and origins. It's good to get back to all this.

But I wondered why I haven't had this incredible desire to write and, to be honest with myself, I'm missing that regular expression of being in community with others and of being with someone. I don't think it's a bad thing that I like to write "in relation" with others - with their energy present even if I wish I was one of those broody writers who are alone for hours and sigh deeply while debating life's future. And they write magnificently (most).

I did find an incredible passage in Hijuelos' book, just as I'd found many that motivated me in "The Mambo Kings Play Songs of Love". It spoke to my own lack of desire for creating art:

... there existed within him a numbness to feeling? This disheartened Levis (the central character), for without emotion there would never be music, and without music his life would be a living death.

So it happened that without intending to the composer sank into a deep state of apprehension... he could not imaginethe point of his continuing existence. In those moments, as he went driving through the streets of that splendid city [Havana], he truly believed that he would never compose another piece of music again - not a tango nor a bolero nor a lyric opera nor another zarzuela, not even another simple Habana melody - as he once often did with effortless control.

Israel Levis, returning from the concentration camps during WWII, to his native Habana, could not wake up that part of him that worked to create music.

I'm not being fatalistic (even if it sounds that way) but not being creative is the definition of not living (for me).

I'm working now to wake up that part of me.

a graduate...almost

I need to do the formal things but I am now a graduate. I made a B in my Geology class. A couple of days ago I actually drove by SAC and had the idea that I had to get to class. I realized that part was over but that I really did like taking courses. And the fact that I made a B amid the job change, child, flu and my own procrastination.... well, I'm surprised and a little proud of myself.

So now I have to complete the paperwork, transcript request, etc.

What's next?