I've tried updating my blog a couple of times, losing some great entries because, somehow, I uninstalled the blogger cookies and can't find how to do them again. Of course, today, I'm not feeling as inspired as when I wrote my now-lost entries.
Still, I'm feeling all kinds of things - good bad in-between. This last month I've started going to a woman who does energy work. It's been incredibly helpful in that I was under the assumption I could lie still and feel the moment, talk through what I was working on, etc. Instead, it's been a very active process - bordering on self-defense movements, breathing exercises and counseling dialogues. It's been amazing but the physical reactions after these sessions has varied from leaving me invigorated to aggravating my general fatigue. I think I've been most amazed by how I come to the space with a simple concern and it takes on a much larger dimension. In this last case, I had a co-worker being argumentative with me and I came asking how to foster my ability to say a definitive no when this co-worker insists on her position or doesn't listen to me in my position.
Instead, I came away with the need to feel how important my time and work are - to not let them be undervalued by another's perception.
All this to say, I love my job, the interactions I have, some of the staff that have developed as friends and the idea of getting to really know the city as I have to travel through it all for work. That said, the management style is not something I like working within. I appreciate the directness of someone asking for something they need instead of just mentioning it in passing as a fun thing then getting on my boss about it for my not taking the hint.
Maybe it's still the straight girl thing - that coquettish way of asking but not asking, needing but not expressing. Even if, as dykes we do that, it's different. I try to see it as a cultural difference - and not something to take personally but this attitude becomes all of heterosexism and sexual identity rigidity that I must live through.
I'm tired - will have to write more later. Maybe I'll remember more later too and revisit those lost entries.