Thursday, November 30, 2006

my mama always told me that if I didn't know about something I should keep my mouth shut...

Excerpt from the FIRST EVER Supreme Court hearing on GlobalWarming...

Justice Antonio Scalia:"Don't you have to show imminent harm? When is the predicted cataclysm?"

Massachusetts Assistant Attorney General James Milkey:"The harm is already occurring... it plays out continuously over time. Oncegreenhouse gases are emitted, the laws of physics take over. So our harm is imminent in the sense that lighting a fuse on a bomb is imminent harm."

Scalia: "You say it is, once it goes up into the stratosphere and contributes to global warming."

Milkey: "Respectfully, your honor, it is not the stratosphere. It's the troposphere, from the ground up to nine miles above."

Scalia: "Whatever, I'm not a scientist. That's why I don't want to have to deal with global warming, to tell you the truth."

Wednesday, November 22, 2006

Thanksgiving thoughts

You knew I was was gonna talk about good old Thanksgiving.

But, I'm not going to focus on Pilgrims and Native Americans. Instead, the holiday reminds me of denial or, as Emily Post would say, etiquette. Not to mention the origins of the holiday, placed strategically by presidents of our American past who wanted to both/either claim the Christmas holiday shopping season and/or remind us of God's role in how we thank an industry that has us killing animals left and right just to have what has been universally decided "normal" on a Thanksgiving dinner table.

And this at a time when we are connecting less and less with others while marriage is pushed down our throats by gays and straights alike as an end all to our personal journeys.

Tuesday, November 21, 2006

feeling sorry for myself

I'm still on the "woe is me" kick, but am realizing I'm doing it to myself. I told Cliffy I should be happy and I get scared of commitment so why am I all woeful over the pressure of being single and a parent... I only know that my brain takes me so far. All the rest is in my heart - the fear that there's no one there to really trust with my stuff, the dream of not having to struggle so hard as a single parent, of being supported with time set for my writing and other creative pursuits, of finding like-minded people to hang out with - because if they are artists, they don't get that I have to leave at 8 p.m. to put a little one to bed and because if they are mothers they don't always know the real drive to not just be creative but to produce work that will be viewed in my communities - it all makes me sad.

"Time is the substance from which I am made. Time is a river that carries me along, but I am the river; it is a tiger that devours me, but I am the tiger; it is a fire that consumes me, but I am the fire."
- Jorge Luis Borges

Friday, November 17, 2006

Wednesday, November 15, 2006

Nietzsche on my mind

I've been reading a small book by Federico Garcia Lorca, "In Search of Duende". I always liked Joseph Campbell mythology work and James Hillman's use of duende in our lives to explain the exceptionalism we see in our communities and inter/nationally but it's nice to get to the root of what duende means instead of reading the cleaner, more palatable version provided by Hillman.

In all this, I realized some of my poems had duende and some, obviously, did not. And then I thought about one poem I'd written about creating stars in my mind and then I remembered Nietzsche's quote.

All this thinking must be because I slept so oddly yesterday. I knocked out watching Law & Order (I hadn't seen it in months!) and woke up at almost 10 pm with Nancy's phone call. Then I tried to fall back to sleep and couldn't. I was up until 3:30 in the morning.

Once I fell asleep I did dream - I had an odd dream I was in San Fran's Chinatown or Chicago - some place a little dirtier because of the weather changes (more rain, fogginess) - and I saw a man come out of a store who was wearing the same ring I was. I had the feeling it meant something- that this person was working in a similar idea as I was. It was such a vivid dream I woke up this morning thinking I could find this person on the internet. It makes no since but for a while there I was very sure I could find them! I did do a google image search for my ring but couldn't find anything remotely like it. So much for that.

Usually when I don't sleep enough I start tapping these odd spaces in my mind. I need to eat my lunch - that might help.

Tuesday, November 14, 2006

all these things

I had all these things I wanted to say but can't get past the emotion of it all.

one friend in a domestic violence situation; missing Cliffy, even if I know she can't be anything to me; not sleeping; writing inconsistently; migraines; objectified as a woman; no one close to me that I can really talk to; and more and more.

and i should be happy. work is heavy and a lot but good too.

but it's not the outside world that's bugging me, it's all the inside stuff.

Tigrette and I were talking about the idea of moving (because we always talk about one kind of move or another - we carry my mother's exile mind) and I asked her if she would want to move. She said no, of course. She loves her Nana. Then she asked me and I told her I didn't see myself living here in SA forever. She interjected to say "It's hard to leave a place when you've connected with people" and I was blown away.

She has so much more emotional intelligence than I could think possible for myself. It would do me good though - maybe then I wouldn't be so tripped out when I wake up the emotional parts of myself, especially with everything that's going on.

I did communion with Tigrette at church a couple of weeks ago. We spoke about sharing a meal was communion, coming together was communion and that Jesus pulled what was available to him on that table to make a point. Nothing special necessarily about the implements themselves. Maybe I'm looking for that someone to have communion with. In the meantime, I find myself standoffish when someone becomes interested. I actually feel my body step back, my hand guarding against any closeness.

I compare most people to Cliffy. Not an average comparison like brown eyes versus green, etc. but comparisons based on how much of Cliffy I feel inside myself when we are laying down together, or how I feel as though my soul is falling over her when she comes into the house. That compared to how someone makes me laugh and there's no comparison.

Thursday, November 02, 2006

"public morality" on the rise

While Democrats whipped out then quickly put away Kerry for these mid-term elections, the NY Times and other papers have hinted at how fags may, once again, be thrust into the limelight to ensure Republican wins. Especially now that New Jersey's realized its own bias within the laws they've upheld.

Not to be outdone and because, truly and unfortunately, we in America are better off - Lima's elections have brought about similar reactions. Maybe it's all the history we hold in creating a banana republic throughout much of South and Central America that Lima must follow our lead again. So they've been raiding lesbian bars and harassing gays and transgendered on the street, despite their not having laws specifically making gayness illegal, they do have "public morality" laws (like so much of Latin America) which have been utilized to target queers.

Seems here in the US we have our own issues with Public Morality.

UPDATE: November 4, 2006
And then there was more! You knew I had to update this blog with an update about Rev. Ted Haggard, who did buy drugs but didn't use them, who got a recommendation from a hotel but really got the name of his massage therapist from gay mags, who did not have sex with him but really did! It's getting hot in here. And Mike Jones, the male prostitute in question, is no "sissy" guy who the media can easily push off as an easy on the eyes replacement for a woman. Mr. Jones was sure to give the Reverend high quality man-on-man gay sex.

p.s. I do need to say, however, that I am still in love with Kerry's wife, Teresa Heinz. If she had told Kerry's joke, it would have come out correctly.

Wednesday, November 01, 2006

what in Samhein is going on?

I have always had trouble sleeping. I have more trouble during times like All Soul's Day (tomorrow) or Halloween (yesterday). But I have been making a conscious decision to go to bed early. Case in point: yesterday I drove all through my mom's neighborhood, then through my neighborhood and in the streets between the two so my little punk rock girl, Tigrette, could skip up and down the streets for candy and toys. We didn't stay up past 10 last night because I knew sleep was an issue.

I woke up this morning fine, I thought, but by 9:30 I was out of it, couldn't concentrate, and couldn't move around enough to rouse myself. I slept great, I thought, tho I had some really intense dreams - but now I feel like I didn't sleep all night, like I was in conversation or working all night.

Today is Samhein, the Celtic tradition for marking one of two doorways into other worlds. It's a time when the veil thins, when darkness is brought to the front. A lot of what we practice today shows within the holiday - apples, new beginnings, transformation, winter's beginning, remembering the dead. It's this whole time that I've always enjoyed. I tell everyone, September to January is my favorite time - and it's my most busy, most productive. But it challenges me as it strengthens me. I am more sensitive.

Sweetly, the last time Cliffy came by the house she was kind enough to wash my dishes and throw out my trash before I got there. Without knowing, on Monday, I looked at my trash (which I should have thrown the day before) and thought "I have to throw that so Cliffy doesn't have to take my trash out." An hour later, Cliffy calls and she asks me if she can come over.

When I get to the house that night she says "I was going to wash your dishes" and I surprised her by saying I'd taken the trash out so she wouldn't have to. She freaked because I didn't know she was coming over. But I did. Not consciously but somewhere I did know.

There's a lot of this going on.