I just happened to close the door to a woman I was trying to date for a little while, having handed her some stuff she left here. She wanted to move in and could see a wedding. Wow, that's fast. And I realized I just didn't feel it like she did.
And worse, I had this guilt over it. Why do we have to make relationships like they did in the old days - date for a little, become exclusive after a night of incredible sex and then try to buy each other rings and live like married people? Why can't continued growth in the relationship mean we travel together, take a class together, spend weekends at each others' house or invite other couples over? Why can't growing close mean we decide to read a book together or plan a vacation together rather than instantly shack up?
I want some real growth because it seems to me that the growth that happens once couples move in and commit is more about where one will place their hair spray or how the other one acts in the morning before their coffee. So we learn to accomodate but what do we really learn about each other?
I used to believe the hype that I was a good catch and so, of course, someone was going to want to snag me. I had lovers justify possessiveness by claiming they loved me so much. Now I wonder if it's more about the pressure of being coupled and hell, I seem easygoing, so I can't be too hard to live with. Quien sabe - I've devoted too many brain cells to answers around this subject as it is.
I started this post to look at how I'm doing 1/2 a year (more of less) into the resolutions I wanted to consider for this 2006.
I've done pretty poorly but won't count myself out. Here are the resolutions I drafted those last days of December (highlight beneath each to see my update) :
1. live healthier (around healthier people, with healthier food, in healthy environments) Actually I've done pretty well here, but am still looking for female-led dojos or casual spaces to do actual physical activities. I put this resolution in because I was in an unhealthy relationship with Cliffy at the time.
2. devour the knowledge of things I've wanted to get my hands on and make them my own. I haven't tackled this at all except within work, which has helped me. Still, I put this resolution down because I do a fair amount of research around each poem and thought that I could "live" some of my poems if a research topic interested me and I could take it on.
3. live in my body - truly enjoy and be present. I'm doing really well here - asking for what I need, developing a greater self-respect, doing energy work. It's amazing how you open up this can and so much more needs to be opened up and explored. Makes me think of Tigrette who has been asking me why we only use 10% of our brains and what would we be like if we used the full 100%.
4. move on (from the city, the plateau, the way of being, into a space that is truly awe-inspiring and tangible. Well, I've certainly moved, but haven't yet created any kind of foundation. I feel like I'm wearing high heels and all around me are mud puddles - I am afraid to just step into something and really be part of it.
5. write, really write. I'm failing this one really well. With the move and work and no foundation, I'm tripping on just how little writing I can get done. Artists need some small support or they can't create. That I realize now.
Showing posts with label resolutions. Show all posts
Showing posts with label resolutions. Show all posts
Saturday, August 12, 2006
Sunday, January 01, 2006
resolve
I never do resolutions but I'm going to now:
1. live healthier (around healthier people, with healthier food, in healthy environments)
2. devour knowledge that's new too me. there's a long list of things I want to just pick up and make my own
3. live in my body - truly enjoy and be present (I used to struggle with this more but have felt it creeping up in me in the last month or so)
4. fuck this city - just move on. there's so little in this city that is awe-inspiring or tangible - why am I here?
5. write, really write. I want to be like those people who win awards and everyone in the so-called "arts" community is saying who is that? and it becomes obvious that the "arts" community is not much more than a clique.
I had a strange day. Cliffy left today. I actually felt good about it. Truly, why would I want to be with someone who couldn't support me and keep herself strong and actually communicate with me? It's hard to do but, maybe because I work at it or maybe because I'm a mother, I still try to do all those things. I spoke with a friend of mine, Love Joy, about what was going on and she told me, straight up, that Cliffy was wrong in the way she behaved. I know she doesn't know Cliffy and so, of course, she's on my side, but it meant a lot that I wasn't the sole voice in my head saying that the way she behaved was inappropriate.
Worse in all this is Cliffy's inability to even talk at a time when she is supposedly clear on what she needs to do. I asked her, in turning the shoes the other way, if she would have left me if she'd become sick or lost her job or had some crisis. Would she so quickly say "It's not fair to you that I be here - maybe I need to leave rather than you support me through this stress"? Of course not.
I revert to my earlier truths : I don't need a traditional relationship (if at all at this point). Rather, I need someone who will truly engage and be open, available and committed. Committed meaning the understanding that everything takes work and compromise.
One thing for sure : I won't be silent this time around when people tell me how good Cliffy is. Yes, she looks good and she says the right things and she openly hugs and offers herself - as long as you don't actually take her on that offer. She played me, lied to me, refused to be clear, sat with me pretending we were okay. She cannot open herself up a little, cannot commit fully even to her own goals let alone to the idea of family as defined by queers. She can't even call her own friends unless she needs to unload. She remains aloof. She wants someone to care for her - someone who doesn't need any care. I won't be La Mala here - I'm tired of playing that role in this fucking town.
She's left me in a worse place than even those who have been verbally abusive to me had left me - because she's quiet and can so clearly see her own side. I knew our relationship wasn't completely even but I didn't think she would give up so quickly. I thought her promise to truly be there with me meant something. She left me not trusting anyone, not even trusting my own ability to choose a good partner or trust my own instincts.
What was bad is that Cliffy's leaving affects Tigrette's future as well as mine. We were completely enmeshed - we three. I don't know where I'll be in one month if I don't find work. Unlike Cliffy, my friends are just as poor as I am and they see me more for who I am, not some idealized image of me that withstands because Cliffy doesn't commit a whole hell of a lot to anyone. So, I could be homeless and with my daughter. I am not trying for a guilt trip. It does burn me, however, that Cliffy can't talk to work something out to such a degree that her decision affects so much. Last time she left me it was mostly my heart and head that ached. This time, I feel the ache even in my belly and I see the pain in my daughter's face. Like she needed any more change.
I told Tigrette I'd have to move her to the nearby school instead of the school she was in this past semester because, with us living far South, I can't afford the time or gas to get her to school 20 minutes away. Cliffy, working near Tigrette's school, would take her in the a.m. Tigrette was incredibly hurt.
But as I thought about it more, I called my mother and asked her to take the little one for a semester in San Anto. If I don't find something here before month's end, I'd end up there anyway, you know?
Cliffy, for some reason only known to her, tried to play like she was still considering staying as a family when, last night, she offered we meet up with two great pals of mine. Yo, toda pendeja, les llamo - I completely bought that she was trying. This morning I had to cancel our gathering. Who thinks to commit themselves to even a simple gathering? What was it Cliffy? It wasn't enough that you hurt me with your inability to keep a promise? You had to also give me false hope with this ridiculous offer? Why have me make this call at all. In fact, why not pack up that very day, when you came home instead of sit in front of the tv and say nothing for hours, then eat dinner, watch more tv, tell me you were going to leave then go back to watch more tv and then sleep in the bed next to me? Cliffy, you did this last time too - you could have at least been original.
Once Tigrette and I had planned out when she would be going to San Anto, we called those friends back and they were so great in reminding me both how blessed I am to have the little one and how blessed to have access to people who know and support me, even if I can count them on one hand.
We went to lunch and played a game of Cadoo that had us laughing out loud. I still have to work out plenty in my head and had to stop myself from crying any more in front of Tigrette. We got home, packed some of her things and had dinner then watched the fireworks as we sat on the porch with some hot chocolate. I am always amazed (but shouldn't be any more) at how she can tell me, with such an open heart and with such clarity, that she loves me and will miss me but knows that we'll be okay. She asked me why our family was only two people but said that it was still family. I've taught her something, huh? - taught her what I had to fight so hard to make in my own heart and life. There are some adults who still don't understand this.
1. live healthier (around healthier people, with healthier food, in healthy environments)
2. devour knowledge that's new too me. there's a long list of things I want to just pick up and make my own
3. live in my body - truly enjoy and be present (I used to struggle with this more but have felt it creeping up in me in the last month or so)
4. fuck this city - just move on. there's so little in this city that is awe-inspiring or tangible - why am I here?
5. write, really write. I want to be like those people who win awards and everyone in the so-called "arts" community is saying who is that? and it becomes obvious that the "arts" community is not much more than a clique.
I had a strange day. Cliffy left today. I actually felt good about it. Truly, why would I want to be with someone who couldn't support me and keep herself strong and actually communicate with me? It's hard to do but, maybe because I work at it or maybe because I'm a mother, I still try to do all those things. I spoke with a friend of mine, Love Joy, about what was going on and she told me, straight up, that Cliffy was wrong in the way she behaved. I know she doesn't know Cliffy and so, of course, she's on my side, but it meant a lot that I wasn't the sole voice in my head saying that the way she behaved was inappropriate.
Worse in all this is Cliffy's inability to even talk at a time when she is supposedly clear on what she needs to do. I asked her, in turning the shoes the other way, if she would have left me if she'd become sick or lost her job or had some crisis. Would she so quickly say "It's not fair to you that I be here - maybe I need to leave rather than you support me through this stress"? Of course not.
I revert to my earlier truths : I don't need a traditional relationship (if at all at this point). Rather, I need someone who will truly engage and be open, available and committed. Committed meaning the understanding that everything takes work and compromise.
One thing for sure : I won't be silent this time around when people tell me how good Cliffy is. Yes, she looks good and she says the right things and she openly hugs and offers herself - as long as you don't actually take her on that offer. She played me, lied to me, refused to be clear, sat with me pretending we were okay. She cannot open herself up a little, cannot commit fully even to her own goals let alone to the idea of family as defined by queers. She can't even call her own friends unless she needs to unload. She remains aloof. She wants someone to care for her - someone who doesn't need any care. I won't be La Mala here - I'm tired of playing that role in this fucking town.
She's left me in a worse place than even those who have been verbally abusive to me had left me - because she's quiet and can so clearly see her own side. I knew our relationship wasn't completely even but I didn't think she would give up so quickly. I thought her promise to truly be there with me meant something. She left me not trusting anyone, not even trusting my own ability to choose a good partner or trust my own instincts.
What was bad is that Cliffy's leaving affects Tigrette's future as well as mine. We were completely enmeshed - we three. I don't know where I'll be in one month if I don't find work. Unlike Cliffy, my friends are just as poor as I am and they see me more for who I am, not some idealized image of me that withstands because Cliffy doesn't commit a whole hell of a lot to anyone. So, I could be homeless and with my daughter. I am not trying for a guilt trip. It does burn me, however, that Cliffy can't talk to work something out to such a degree that her decision affects so much. Last time she left me it was mostly my heart and head that ached. This time, I feel the ache even in my belly and I see the pain in my daughter's face. Like she needed any more change.
I told Tigrette I'd have to move her to the nearby school instead of the school she was in this past semester because, with us living far South, I can't afford the time or gas to get her to school 20 minutes away. Cliffy, working near Tigrette's school, would take her in the a.m. Tigrette was incredibly hurt.
But as I thought about it more, I called my mother and asked her to take the little one for a semester in San Anto. If I don't find something here before month's end, I'd end up there anyway, you know?
Cliffy, for some reason only known to her, tried to play like she was still considering staying as a family when, last night, she offered we meet up with two great pals of mine. Yo, toda pendeja, les llamo - I completely bought that she was trying. This morning I had to cancel our gathering. Who thinks to commit themselves to even a simple gathering? What was it Cliffy? It wasn't enough that you hurt me with your inability to keep a promise? You had to also give me false hope with this ridiculous offer? Why have me make this call at all. In fact, why not pack up that very day, when you came home instead of sit in front of the tv and say nothing for hours, then eat dinner, watch more tv, tell me you were going to leave then go back to watch more tv and then sleep in the bed next to me? Cliffy, you did this last time too - you could have at least been original.
Once Tigrette and I had planned out when she would be going to San Anto, we called those friends back and they were so great in reminding me both how blessed I am to have the little one and how blessed to have access to people who know and support me, even if I can count them on one hand.
We went to lunch and played a game of Cadoo that had us laughing out loud. I still have to work out plenty in my head and had to stop myself from crying any more in front of Tigrette. We got home, packed some of her things and had dinner then watched the fireworks as we sat on the porch with some hot chocolate. I am always amazed (but shouldn't be any more) at how she can tell me, with such an open heart and with such clarity, that she loves me and will miss me but knows that we'll be okay. She asked me why our family was only two people but said that it was still family. I've taught her something, huh? - taught her what I had to fight so hard to make in my own heart and life. There are some adults who still don't understand this.
Thursday, September 29, 2005
a new year
it's been a few weeks since I've written anything.
it's actually been several weeks since I've felt like writing anything.
curiously, I moved into the apartment and ended up with a rash that usually shows up when I am stressed. true enough, work's been hell with changes. not intolerable but it's easily visible that lines are being drawn and friends help friends.
the rash finally gone I realized my writing was at a change and needed some time to come together again. I feel like I'm in the first few months of pregnancy, and am starting to feel the flutter like butterfly wings inside my center now.
this month of quiet has been unique, magic and calming:
tigrette's learning an incredible amount of sign language at school
and she can laugh about looking like a boy sometimes, especially now that her hair is even shorter, and sometimes, the way she looks at me, reminds me of a picture of my great great grandfather, a mulatto french man who moved to Cuba, with wild, kinky hair and intense eyes;
cliffy and I are coming together
and things like grocery shopping aren't chores so much as they are the opportunity to provide some softness to my family;
the apartment is all lived in already but still fresh, a real opportunity to grow;
we have a new hamster, puffy, who has the same boitel attitude all the rest of the family has;
I've strengthened my friendships, in some cases finding friends again, and claimed them as family.
there's a lot more but some moments of growth and change are so subtle, I would have no appropriate word to show the movement they provoked in me.
today is my birthday and cliffy gave me a gift last night that I didn't want to open until this morning. at 1 a.m. I couldn't sleep so I got up for some water and opened the present. you know, I've been accused of holding back on letting people see me. I didn't expect any present at all except a handmade card from Delhi and some great emails from friends.
a gift from cliffy was incredibly sweet and she chose these things that were so exactly right for me. it makes me feel good that she sees me. in particular, she bought me a cute red and purple ceramic heart with the word "create" on it. there I was, all crying, just holding that heart.
cliffy thinks I'm not writing because of work. I can't disagree with her but I do know that my writing is present, is with me - just quietly sleeping, a small group of petals promising an entire landscape.
it's actually been several weeks since I've felt like writing anything.
curiously, I moved into the apartment and ended up with a rash that usually shows up when I am stressed. true enough, work's been hell with changes. not intolerable but it's easily visible that lines are being drawn and friends help friends.
the rash finally gone I realized my writing was at a change and needed some time to come together again. I feel like I'm in the first few months of pregnancy, and am starting to feel the flutter like butterfly wings inside my center now.
this month of quiet has been unique, magic and calming:
tigrette's learning an incredible amount of sign language at school
and she can laugh about looking like a boy sometimes, especially now that her hair is even shorter, and sometimes, the way she looks at me, reminds me of a picture of my great great grandfather, a mulatto french man who moved to Cuba, with wild, kinky hair and intense eyes;
cliffy and I are coming together
and things like grocery shopping aren't chores so much as they are the opportunity to provide some softness to my family;
the apartment is all lived in already but still fresh, a real opportunity to grow;
we have a new hamster, puffy, who has the same boitel attitude all the rest of the family has;
I've strengthened my friendships, in some cases finding friends again, and claimed them as family.
there's a lot more but some moments of growth and change are so subtle, I would have no appropriate word to show the movement they provoked in me.
today is my birthday and cliffy gave me a gift last night that I didn't want to open until this morning. at 1 a.m. I couldn't sleep so I got up for some water and opened the present. you know, I've been accused of holding back on letting people see me. I didn't expect any present at all except a handmade card from Delhi and some great emails from friends.
a gift from cliffy was incredibly sweet and she chose these things that were so exactly right for me. it makes me feel good that she sees me. in particular, she bought me a cute red and purple ceramic heart with the word "create" on it. there I was, all crying, just holding that heart.
cliffy thinks I'm not writing because of work. I can't disagree with her but I do know that my writing is present, is with me - just quietly sleeping, a small group of petals promising an entire landscape.
Thursday, April 14, 2005
Guadalupe Victoria Yoli Raymond vive!
I chose the title and some sayings for this blog in honor of my favorite salsa singer of the 1960s and 1970s : La Lupe.
Lycos has a pretty good bio of her at http://music.lycos.com/artist/bio.asp?QT=A&QW=La+Lupe&AN=La+Lupe&MID=38284&MH=
Known for her santeria work, her phoenix way of rising from the ashes and and her exhilarating performances, La Lupe remains an icon for women who don't behave. I don't know many others who could compete with her in their need to take off clothing while singing (maybe Alejandra Guzman!).
Take this incredible quote from La Lupe's song, "La Tirana":
Según tu punto de vista, yo soy la mala.
Vampiresa en tu novela, la gran Tirana...
Según tu punto de vista, yo soy la mala,
la que te llegó hasta el alma, la gran tirana . . .
According to your point of view, I am the bad one.
Vamp of your soap opera, the grand tyrant . . .
I am the bad one. The one who reached your soul, the grand tyrant . . .
La Lupe, known for usurping male privilege and defying ideas of femininity and masculine control, still speaks strongly, making her a fitting drag performance favorite even now, despite her death in 1992.
One must play the bad mujer, unfortunately. So often I enjoy being an outsider here in Austin. It allows me to really evaluate how history and individuals connect, especially in East Austin politics and culture. I'm only now making inroads into the communities I admire and want to work with and for. But this outsider space also makes me la tirana. After all, who knows me? How often have I torn my heart out of my body to show my worth?
Maybe I should date women who don't do so damned much in town.
Wow, I think I need some coffee. I'm becoming surreal.
Lycos has a pretty good bio of her at http://music.lycos.com/artist/bio.asp?QT=A&QW=La+Lupe&AN=La+Lupe&MID=38284&MH=
Known for her santeria work, her phoenix way of rising from the ashes and and her exhilarating performances, La Lupe remains an icon for women who don't behave. I don't know many others who could compete with her in their need to take off clothing while singing (maybe Alejandra Guzman!).
Take this incredible quote from La Lupe's song, "La Tirana":
Según tu punto de vista, yo soy la mala.
Vampiresa en tu novela, la gran Tirana...
Según tu punto de vista, yo soy la mala,
la que te llegó hasta el alma, la gran tirana . . .
According to your point of view, I am the bad one.
Vamp of your soap opera, the grand tyrant . . .
I am the bad one. The one who reached your soul, the grand tyrant . . .
La Lupe, known for usurping male privilege and defying ideas of femininity and masculine control, still speaks strongly, making her a fitting drag performance favorite even now, despite her death in 1992.
One must play the bad mujer, unfortunately. So often I enjoy being an outsider here in Austin. It allows me to really evaluate how history and individuals connect, especially in East Austin politics and culture. I'm only now making inroads into the communities I admire and want to work with and for. But this outsider space also makes me la tirana. After all, who knows me? How often have I torn my heart out of my body to show my worth?
Maybe I should date women who don't do so damned much in town.
Wow, I think I need some coffee. I'm becoming surreal.
La Mala
So many bloggers start their blogs asking themselves - why am I doing this?
I supposed I should take time to answer this. Dulce says it's a release and I believe her. So much of my activist work is about liberation for our peoples and may be I believe that liberation has to begin within the self.
Facts: I broke up with an incredible, passionate woman, who'll live on these pages as Ya Vez, who was also verbally abusive and realized she liked the idea of butch even if she doesn't really know what butch means. While we worked together to further the arts community here in Austin, I was faced with no support for my own writing career. I woke up my own destructive tendencies and so did she. We were good but not good. Passionate in all the good and bad of that.
Then I met another woman, who I'll call Cliffy, who was gentle and sincere. An actor and healer. My having broken up with the first woman might have marked me as someone who shouldn't be in a relationship so soon, but it doesn't help that my ex lives behind my house and that, somehow, when Ya Vez calls me or emails me it's okay but when I do the same, in the name of pseudo friendship, then Cliffy ends up answering the door to Ya Vez's wrath. Oil and vinegar.
No surprise, Cliffy and I don't work either. Yes, I know, relationships shouldn't start within 3 months of old relationships, and yes, there's no way to have any kind of relationship when your ex lives at your back door!, and yes, I'm an emotional wreck even if I am happy that I will not give up my ways of expressing. Besides, Cliffy's a beautiful woman with this really gorgeous chin - why not give in to trying?
But, what have I learned? Love is not enough.
My ex partner helped me in realizing I wanted to live all of my life, to not suffer the half-life so many women suffer because of familial and institutional systems of control. I feel everthing, I'm too emotional/too needy/too giving. I will not give these up. Staying separate from myself, separate from the people I have near me and separate from the community means staying dead. Count me in, shit.
I supposed I should take time to answer this. Dulce says it's a release and I believe her. So much of my activist work is about liberation for our peoples and may be I believe that liberation has to begin within the self.
Facts: I broke up with an incredible, passionate woman, who'll live on these pages as Ya Vez, who was also verbally abusive and realized she liked the idea of butch even if she doesn't really know what butch means. While we worked together to further the arts community here in Austin, I was faced with no support for my own writing career. I woke up my own destructive tendencies and so did she. We were good but not good. Passionate in all the good and bad of that.
Then I met another woman, who I'll call Cliffy, who was gentle and sincere. An actor and healer. My having broken up with the first woman might have marked me as someone who shouldn't be in a relationship so soon, but it doesn't help that my ex lives behind my house and that, somehow, when Ya Vez calls me or emails me it's okay but when I do the same, in the name of pseudo friendship, then Cliffy ends up answering the door to Ya Vez's wrath. Oil and vinegar.
No surprise, Cliffy and I don't work either. Yes, I know, relationships shouldn't start within 3 months of old relationships, and yes, there's no way to have any kind of relationship when your ex lives at your back door!, and yes, I'm an emotional wreck even if I am happy that I will not give up my ways of expressing. Besides, Cliffy's a beautiful woman with this really gorgeous chin - why not give in to trying?
But, what have I learned? Love is not enough.
My ex partner helped me in realizing I wanted to live all of my life, to not suffer the half-life so many women suffer because of familial and institutional systems of control. I feel everthing, I'm too emotional/too needy/too giving. I will not give these up. Staying separate from myself, separate from the people I have near me and separate from the community means staying dead. Count me in, shit.
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