Thursday, May 26, 2005

ya vez in extreme like, me dissolving love

Ya Vez called me to tell me she met someone.

I'm not upset, not even jealous. And the protector in me even felt good about this woman, or at least good about the sound in Ya Vez's voice.

I keep telling myself it's not connected - my splitting with Cliffy and Ya Vez's phone call with her news.

But Ya Vez told me she had a dream, after not dreaming for two weeks, about me. Ya Vez was at the office (behind my house) and Little Lion and a friend of hers went to visit. Her friend told Ya Vez that she was in love with me. Then Ya Vez sees me in the back yard with a plow, planting seeds and knows I'm happy and doing my work.

I freaked because we both knew Little Lion's friend was Cliffy but didn't say. Ya Vez asked me if I was happy and I told her I was, but I did not mean because of the relationship with Cliffy. There I was in that dream, alone in the backyard doing my work, and the woman who claims to love me was hanging with my child instead of helping me. It meant a lot in that dream that I was working alone, that my potential partner was hanging/having fun. I want a relationship, like community, where we work together. I realized what I already knew - that Cliffy wasn't an equal in a relationship with me.

So much of me wants to still have her in my life. Enjoy the sex and laughs - but for me it's too late for that frivolity with her. She, at one time, in that first instant and in our first months together, did want relationship/community with me - she promised that. Moved in part to be that with me. Then couldn't give it. If she had just never promised we wouldn't be like this now.

I always hold people to their promise. Don't promise what you can't give.

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