basta

okay, so I'm not feeling myself today
and while it may be hormones or Mercury or that I haven't had coffee
I don't understand how there are so many
who can accept someone's gifts/honor/support
but not give it.

I was talking to Ya Vez about how I've never been in a relationship with someone who wants to truly give me a massage or rub my feet or temples. I have to ask for it. But I give that. And freely, until I never get it back.

And I hate to start these mental marks, counting the ways someone doesn't think I would like the things they themselves would like showered on them, but she said something simple. It's got to be give and take. So far I give and others take.

There's a lot of work to be done in a relationship and I'm not all together but I realize that age or experience or even previous relationships are not a determiner for who is good in a relationship. Even talking only does so much because eventually the real us seeps out and we start again in negotiations. And asking ourselves how much we are willing to give up.

I am not feeling well
and right now, instead of talking to me,
everyone who claimed they loved me
is giving me distance.