Friday, July 29, 2005

splinter in my palm

I saw Ya Vez yesterday because I needed perspective. Work has changed and my writing is harder to pull out and I had an unexpected bill that, because I'm working class, means I cannot pay for the one class I need to finish a B.A. that I don't truly want but must have in order to do a Master's.

When we were together I knew she was mad at me when she called me by name first name. Things were good if she called me baby, she was feeling okay if she called me honey and we were playful when she called me mama. But she's calling me by my name and I realize now it's necessary. I asked her the first few times if she was mad at me, because of our earlier way of being but she wasn't - would have no reason, we aren't anything to each other and both feel that our time is done and the good of what we can still offer is support, straight-up conversations when we aren't being honest to anyone else and a good work ethic.

So we are trying for names again and, as always, Dulce was right in saying we can't use those old names. They don't account for growth. Still, I did ask Ya Vez to use Jo instead of JoAnne. It's easier on my ears and a name I prefer now anyway. Transitions, you know.

All this to say, I had a couple of things on my mind and she saw it in my face. Without saying anything, she reached for my hand and pinched the middle of my palm as though plucking a splinter out. I instantly felt my preoccupation gone.

Ya Vez is not a potential for me. In some ways she's an outsider to my life. She doesn't know my friends, we have no expectation of getting back together, she and we have both developed unique life lines now that don't have us intersect in tangible ways. And maybe all that distance but some of the original feeling put her in the position to truly remove my burdens for a little while.

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