gush - comiendo el mundo, mordadita a mordadita

I am so tired. And to think, I was already getting gloomy because the tsunami hit Thailand 2 years ago and that marked the day my life changed halfway around the world in Austin, Texas. However quiet I am, the image/idea finds me.

I try to think of it as low tide - a tiny thing incapable of hurting me, wanting rather some attention. As though saying the whole world is going to hell - look, can't you see? So I hold it, recognize the pain and wait instead for the gush of words to come from me.

I had that dream, as I mentioned in an earlier blog, about writing and things coming true. Happily, I kept this image close to me and yesterday, rather than go home and beg for sleep, I went to a cafe and knocked out 4 or 5 poems. I'm going to keep working on them this weekend. Thankfully, I have this next week off!

I'm moving furniture too. Tigrette asked me why I am always moving furniture around. I told her it was genetics - that I got the genes from her Nana. It's surprising how much a room's focus can change if you move things (or the other way around). I thinking right now specifically of my bedroom - but that's a whole other blog entry.

mind meld

I must be trying to avoid something. I keep finding music to play, even adding a music component to this here blog.

My mind keeps trailing off to MFA programs. I need out of here!

I had a dream last night that the stuff I was writing was coming true. At one point, someone has me write a friend's name and they appear just like someone who is walking up to you.

I had a meeting this morning at the downtown campus - it was good to have a quiet start to the day - I didn't sleep but 2 hours and I am so feeling it. Thankfully too, I'm a big old procrastinator... I had a sweater, a jacket and a full coat in the car (I wonder what made me take out the gloves and scarf?). When I left from home this morning, it was cool, low 70s and a little humid (Exhibit A, my hair). Just as I was putting my keys to the old van after my meeting, this cold air started and the sky was gray and heavy. Thirty minutes later it was so cold I needed the big coat (and those gloves and scarf!).

I had lunch in the staff lounge room and turned on the television. When I realized no one was coming in, I changed it from CNN to Star Trek: Voyager. Gotta love Kate Mulgrew. Oh, and Jeri Ryan. And Roxann Dawson. I think I even had crushes on the men: Robert Beltran and Garrett Wang. Who wouldn't? Damn, I'd forgotten how sexy the cast of Voyager was. How could the show fail?

conflicted

I had a great weekend with Cliffy a couple of weeks ago. Amazing feeling, really connecting, happy, etc. I saw her this weekend too but this was a little more hit and miss.

Let me just say that, unfortunately, I am a romantic. So, of course, I wanted to see her and be close to her but it felt like there wasn't enough time. So I'm conflicted between wanting to really enjoy my weekend, be out a little, and wanting to just cocoon with her. She deserves some time off, I tell myself. But we don't get a lot of time together and she doesn't work a 50-hour a week job, I also say. And that's what has me off-kilter energy-wise.

We feel so intensely when we are together but my heart hurts that I'm limited to weekends without some, on the fly, opportunities to really be together. If it's not about us being together eventually, what are we doing with so much feeling but so little future? This idea just makes me hurt more.

I would like her to move faster in her search for full-time work and to be the flame for her own desire for better health. Often I feel like she needs someone to be that flame - I can understand that - in some ways we all need someone who is going to cheer us on... hell, I feel it too. But you have to put out the energy too - for yourself and your goals and for the person/people supporting you or you are just taking.

I realized, when we went to this gathering for a meditation on Sunday, that we often aren't tapping that limitless source of energy and instead are tapping each other for strength and healing. That energy is often depleted quickly. I also was reminded that maybe I'm here for a reason. As I sat there hearing Cliffy talk with the man who helped us through the meditation, I was reminded of our initial meeting (that crazy, energy-filled look we shared) and how she had moved to Austin because she wanted the city again and because she saw potential with me. And when I thought for sure she would stay there, the shock that she moved back here. Am I ridiculously mis-reading something when I think that we have some "something" that keeps us hovering around the other?

If I am, it's been this connection that has kept me close to her. I used to think Cliffy needed to tell me there was nothing between us or we weren't going to be anything so that I could walk away. But that presumed she had an understanding of our situation. I don't think she's any clearer than I am. I just wish she was vocal, flamed up and ready to say she saw that "something" in us too. Often, I think we are handed this small potential and we have to make it something.

in the lines

I have a lot on my mind and opened up the blog to do an update before the weekend but have now decided not to. I am, however, contemplating how we end up where we end up - fate, god's will, our ability/inability to choose, parents, whatever else and am at least glad its not concretely defined by the lines on our hands. If it were, I'd already have my pocket knife out, ready to carve.

I keep thinking of Margaret Atwood's The Handmaid's Tale or Marge Piercy's He, She and It (my all-time favorite feminist sf book). How we might be defined, through a historical lense, by our society, our government's leanings, and those with the largest mouths (and wallets) rather than our interpretation (however fleeting) of our own persons.

reworking some energy

Everytime something strange, negative or foreign has come close this last week, I've avoided it. Take yesterday, when I saw I don't know how many dykes at this art show at the gallery of Centro Cultural Aztlan and was too afraid to look them in the face. More than anything in that moment, I wished I looked queer. But there I was, dress pants and soft white shirt, little girl hooked onto me and makeup - I looked like your typical San Anto heterolatina.

[I did have a good time though, buying a Christmas ornament and this stain glass hand with an image of la virgencita on it, viewing work with Tigrette and contemplating a purchase while still feeling completely out of place (in an okay way) when I forgot what those wonderful cinnamon-sugary tortillas were called (bunuelos).]

In some things I've been more vocal:

My office mate, a research assistant, just completed finals but has used time that is work time to take naps - once even asking me if I would wake her. Another time I jolted her when I sent something to the copier for printing. The noise shook her out of her seat. I feel for her but someone sleeping in a working office makes me feel like I have to be overly quiet, not to mention it's unprofessional and it does wonders for not motivating me to want to work well. I didn't go to lunch with her and another staff person in another office yesterday because her phone or personal conversations have delayed me more than once on tasks that are, truly, not so difficult.

Today she is cold toward me and while I'd rather she wasn't, I also am in no mood to discuss appropriate ages for having a child while I'm trying to reconcile ten accounts. I hate that, while I told her yesterday about the sleeping, she seemed like it was no big deal, but today her attitude is different.

On a more positive (though still conflicted) note: I was thinking of Cliffy all day and she happened to call me. I wonder if I'm setting myself up again for some heartbreak. I don't know how to adequately say that I am not this obsessive, need-driven individual who is desperate to see her every minute of the day but I do wish that sometimes, when I am needing some attention, I wish she was available, more agressive about her desire to be close to me. We spoke a couple of weeks ago about her spending some weekends with me and she seemed up for the idea.

I must have jinxed myself because the next weekend her mother was light-headed and didn't want Cliffy leaving the house. So, a couple of things come into my mind: this is not just my time with Cliffy but it is her time to herself. I don't ask for a whole lot, she gets some healthy food and cable tv, great sex and a good sleep. Plus, she isn't the only family member who can care for Cliffy's mother. Or, give her mother the weekend and give me a day during the week - I live super close to where Cliffy works.

So I get frustrated because it's never my goal to take anyone away from something like this - I just want to be able to give Cliffy some love between all the frustration she has.

And I'm thinking about this when she calls me last night. So I'm fishing for some little comment about how she wants to see me (does she?) or how she can't wait to get a hold of me (or can she?) and they don't come. Finally she gives me a little something, says she's not demonstrative on the phone - never has been - and that it's a kind of shyness. If we were seeing each other more I wouldn't be personally hurt - my mind can understand this. But we don't see each other and so I would like a little something that reminds me she thinks I'm valuable.

On top of this, Nancy, who I dated for a milisecond, offered herself as a stud to me the other night. Those who know me, know I'm usually good for that. This time though, I just realized it would be on a weekend since she's living in Austin now and that meant that any urgent need for a soft but strong shoulder would, much like Cliffy's shoulder, have to be scheduled/reserved with several days notice. Blah! And maybe I just don't [ believe it or not ] want casual sex any more. Or, at least I don't want to fake conversation to get to sex where I really connect with someone.


I'm working on a feng shui panel to hang in my house. It worked when I did one 2 years ago while working with Rose Twofeathers. You paste pictures, words, and objects that symbolize what you want from this new year. I need something different. And I can feel the air around me is excited - opportunities are coming and the door is again opening - if I don't have the words, I need to at least have some glue.

Virgen de Guadalupe's day - honor a woman today

I wonder if some administrative assistant for the French or British ambassadors planned it this way - Virginia Hall, spy during WW II is to be honored today.

Seems fitting - It's the day usually granted to La Virgen de Guadalupe. And while we can't talk to La Virgen through some cool suitcase radio, we can thank a woman around us for doing something sweet or comforting or incredible or horrible (and wonderful).

Just please don't send those horrid music cards from Hallmark with images of our virgencita on the front. All that's left to include is a spray bottle inside that automatically shoots out a rose-scented puff.

Or worse, don't try to suppress Latino votes in an already ridiculous election between Henry "I need my cash" Bonilla and Ciro "I support terrorists" Rodriguez a la Governor Rick Perry. Tsk, tsk - now, what would your mamas say?!

Mary and Heather sitting in a tree. K-I-S-S-I-N-G...

First comes love, then comes marriage, then comes Mary with a baby carriage.

Okay, so the love might have come after they met during a match of ice hockey (insert knowing lesbian look here), but with marriage not allowed in Virginia, I guess the baby comes next. Mary Cheney is preggers! I know people are upset with her silence during the 2004 elections but I'm still happy for her.

As a mother, I will tell you no one challenges your ideas or thinks more differently than the kid who survived on your nutrients for 9 months then used those gorgeous eyes to continue to receive sustenance - and when they learn to talk and reason, that's when you know that, no matter what you teach them, they will think differently just because you've taught them to think. We better get to work - liberals just aren't having enough babies.

Secretly, I hope that Dick will be sitting with a cup of nescafe some morning and have the little dyke-led child come up to him, sweet-faced, and say "You worked with more than one Bush and still don't know how to give women access to their lives." Ah, coffee moments.

what was in the cosmos last night?

Lordlordlordlordlordlord

All I wanted to do yesterday was work late to accrue some comp time, do some small shopping for the holiday and head over to Luna Fine Music Club, a great club with great local and regional music. Well, I didn't make it to Luna.

I was upset about it too - Percussion work is great at motivating me and also calming me. i could have used some percussion. So I worked late yesterday and got to the Park & Ride to find my car had a flat tire. I have changed tires before but not on such a big thing (i.e. The Silver Bullet, the old Plymouth van) so, of course, I attempted it anyway. I'm a dyke - I gotta try.

After loosening the nuts and pulling the spare and jack out, I start putting the jack under to look for the place where it's supposed to sit (I have my car manual in my hand and my flashlight, of course). At which point this drunk guy waiting for his ride comes over, sits his beer down and tells me he is sick but can help me by bringing the tire closer to me since, because he's sick, he can't do a lot of strenuous stuff.

Did I guilt him into coming over? Is that something men have to do, even if they aren't helping? If a woman had come over I wouldn't have been so upset - the conversation at least would have been better and my boobs wouldn't have necessarily been an incentive to stay so long. I was bending down, over and over, to pump the manual jack. I don't understand men at all. I'd rather have him stay away and drink his beer than come and not help, talk a lot while I sweat and then pretend to help when his ride got there. I told him plainly - Is that your ride. You can go. I don't think men understand the power they carry. Walking up to a woman with a beer in your hand can be scary - esp. at a dark Park & Ride 7 at night - it's definitely not cool.

He made the situation worse anyway when his ride showed and he had to look like he'd been helping - when he finally said he would help with the jack and was trying to do it all fast and hard and the jack tilted to the side and the van fell down. I was freaked. After he left I tried again and the jack tilted again, this time falling on the bare frame since I'd managed to get the tire off before.

I called a friend of mine to see if her dad could help and then Cliffy so I could calm down some. She helped tremendously as we were able to have a bit of a conversation talking about the things we want and need to do as individuals and I could feel support from her and give her support too. At that point this truckload of Latinos came by and helped me. There were 5 of them and they were great. They didn't want to take money but I forced a ten dollar bill on them and drove off. They even put my messed up tire in the van for me and cleaned up, put a rock to hold the back tire (something I'd forgotten!), etc.

Afterward, I still had all those errands and went to Target to buy Tigrette this super cool little, girly mp3 player. it was such a cute one, after putting music on it late last night, I wanted to keep it. it's pink and glittery and holds about 125 songs while using just one AAA battery. I'm always amazed at technology. How it can be flimsy, pretty and still powerful. Is that an American consumerist thing?

My mother bought walkie-talkies for Tigrette but I found some cheaper at Target so I bought those and took the ones she bought back for a refund. By the time I was done with errands and grabbing a bite to eat, I was too tired to go to Luna. I suppose, after all this stuff, I really should have gone.

Especially since I got home and found that my water had been turned off. The property pays water so i'm not sure why it was off for me and my next door neighbor but worked in the other apartments. I tried calling the office and the number had been disconnected. No, not a good sign.

To top off the evening, i woke up at 3 a.m. to a noise and was going to discount it or blame it on the neighbors (they can be lovingly noisy with their own lives) but i went downstairs to find that my Christmas tree had fallen. I didn't realize how tall 7 feet was until I had to lift it up and put ornaments back on it all. I wondered if maybe it was the disco ball ornaments that was just too much for my sad tree. Or maybe the tree is conservative and the quiet reference to gayness was going too far!

What an evening, no?! Maybe it was the moon's lunar void cycle, which began at about the time I discovered my flat and ended at about the time the tree toppled over.

I woke up this morning thinking I had survived some strange planetary shift.

On the plus side, Roberto Rey agreed to teach Tigrette guitar so she can go back to being crazy with the music like she was a couple of years ago when she was learning with Lourdes Perez. She'd been wanting an electric guitar so I told her she had to get the acoustic down first.

I keep thinking of how nice it will be to have Roberto in the house - he's a great guy with a lot of talent and patience - a real love for every moment he is in. We try hanging out sometimes but schedules don't always work so this is a good opportunity not just for Tigrette but for me to have someone around who also taps the cosmos for creativity.

lessons in tolerance

Seeds of Tolerance has the finalists of their video contest.

Among the entrants is "The Making of a Girl", a powerful view of the shaping of young girls that had me even more fearful of the views others place on girls in general and on my child in particular.

Also there is "We Belong", a young man's stand against homophobia in his rural school and how he found, unfortunately, another who faced his same situation. I thought of that when I came across this article about homophobia happening in Davis, California.