conflicted

I had a great weekend with Cliffy a couple of weeks ago. Amazing feeling, really connecting, happy, etc. I saw her this weekend too but this was a little more hit and miss.

Let me just say that, unfortunately, I am a romantic. So, of course, I wanted to see her and be close to her but it felt like there wasn't enough time. So I'm conflicted between wanting to really enjoy my weekend, be out a little, and wanting to just cocoon with her. She deserves some time off, I tell myself. But we don't get a lot of time together and she doesn't work a 50-hour a week job, I also say. And that's what has me off-kilter energy-wise.

We feel so intensely when we are together but my heart hurts that I'm limited to weekends without some, on the fly, opportunities to really be together. If it's not about us being together eventually, what are we doing with so much feeling but so little future? This idea just makes me hurt more.

I would like her to move faster in her search for full-time work and to be the flame for her own desire for better health. Often I feel like she needs someone to be that flame - I can understand that - in some ways we all need someone who is going to cheer us on... hell, I feel it too. But you have to put out the energy too - for yourself and your goals and for the person/people supporting you or you are just taking.

I realized, when we went to this gathering for a meditation on Sunday, that we often aren't tapping that limitless source of energy and instead are tapping each other for strength and healing. That energy is often depleted quickly. I also was reminded that maybe I'm here for a reason. As I sat there hearing Cliffy talk with the man who helped us through the meditation, I was reminded of our initial meeting (that crazy, energy-filled look we shared) and how she had moved to Austin because she wanted the city again and because she saw potential with me. And when I thought for sure she would stay there, the shock that she moved back here. Am I ridiculously mis-reading something when I think that we have some "something" that keeps us hovering around the other?

If I am, it's been this connection that has kept me close to her. I used to think Cliffy needed to tell me there was nothing between us or we weren't going to be anything so that I could walk away. But that presumed she had an understanding of our situation. I don't think she's any clearer than I am. I just wish she was vocal, flamed up and ready to say she saw that "something" in us too. Often, I think we are handed this small potential and we have to make it something.