Everytime something strange, negative or foreign has come close this last week, I've avoided it. Take yesterday, when I saw I don't know how many dykes at this art show at the gallery of Centro Cultural Aztlan and was too afraid to look them in the face. More than anything in that moment, I wished I looked queer. But there I was, dress pants and soft white shirt, little girl hooked onto me and makeup - I looked like your typical San Anto heterolatina.
[I did have a good time though, buying a Christmas ornament and this stain glass hand with an image of la virgencita on it, viewing work with Tigrette and contemplating a purchase while still feeling completely out of place (in an okay way) when I forgot what those wonderful cinnamon-sugary tortillas were called (bunuelos).]
In some things I've been more vocal:
My office mate, a research assistant, just completed finals but has used time that is work time to take naps - once even asking me if I would wake her. Another time I jolted her when I sent something to the copier for printing. The noise shook her out of her seat. I feel for her but someone sleeping in a working office makes me feel like I have to be overly quiet, not to mention it's unprofessional and it does wonders for not motivating me to want to work well. I didn't go to lunch with her and another staff person in another office yesterday because her phone or personal conversations have delayed me more than once on tasks that are, truly, not so difficult.
Today she is cold toward me and while I'd rather she wasn't, I also am in no mood to discuss appropriate ages for having a child while I'm trying to reconcile ten accounts. I hate that, while I told her yesterday about the sleeping, she seemed like it was no big deal, but today her attitude is different.
On a more positive (though still conflicted) note: I was thinking of Cliffy all day and she happened to call me. I wonder if I'm setting myself up again for some heartbreak. I don't know how to adequately say that I am not this obsessive, need-driven individual who is desperate to see her every minute of the day but I do wish that sometimes, when I am needing some attention, I wish she was available, more agressive about her desire to be close to me. We spoke a couple of weeks ago about her spending some weekends with me and she seemed up for the idea.
I must have jinxed myself because the next weekend her mother was light-headed and didn't want Cliffy leaving the house. So, a couple of things come into my mind: this is not just my time with Cliffy but it is her time to herself. I don't ask for a whole lot, she gets some healthy food and cable tv, great sex and a good sleep. Plus, she isn't the only family member who can care for Cliffy's mother. Or, give her mother the weekend and give me a day during the week - I live super close to where Cliffy works.
So I get frustrated because it's never my goal to take anyone away from something like this - I just want to be able to give Cliffy some love between all the frustration she has.
And I'm thinking about this when she calls me last night. So I'm fishing for some little comment about how she wants to see me (does she?) or how she can't wait to get a hold of me (or can she?) and they don't come. Finally she gives me a little something, says she's not demonstrative on the phone - never has been - and that it's a kind of shyness. If we were seeing each other more I wouldn't be personally hurt - my mind can understand this. But we don't see each other and so I would like a little something that reminds me she thinks I'm valuable.
On top of this, Nancy, who I dated for a milisecond, offered herself as a stud to me the other night. Those who know me, know I'm usually good for that. This time though, I just realized it would be on a weekend since she's living in Austin now and that meant that any urgent need for a soft but strong shoulder would, much like Cliffy's shoulder, have to be scheduled/reserved with several days notice. Blah! And maybe I just don't [ believe it or not ] want casual sex any more. Or, at least I don't want to fake conversation to get to sex where I really connect with someone.
I'm working on a feng shui panel to hang in my house. It worked when I did one 2 years ago while working with Rose Twofeathers. You paste pictures, words, and objects that symbolize what you want from this new year. I need something different. And I can feel the air around me is excited - opportunities are coming and the door is again opening - if I don't have the words, I need to at least have some glue.