Saturday, August 12, 2006

revisiting resolutions

I just happened to close the door to a woman I was trying to date for a little while, having handed her some stuff she left here. She wanted to move in and could see a wedding. Wow, that's fast. And I realized I just didn't feel it like she did.

And worse, I had this guilt over it. Why do we have to make relationships like they did in the old days - date for a little, become exclusive after a night of incredible sex and then try to buy each other rings and live like married people? Why can't continued growth in the relationship mean we travel together, take a class together, spend weekends at each others' house or invite other couples over? Why can't growing close mean we decide to read a book together or plan a vacation together rather than instantly shack up?

I want some real growth because it seems to me that the growth that happens once couples move in and commit is more about where one will place their hair spray or how the other one acts in the morning before their coffee. So we learn to accomodate but what do we really learn about each other?

I used to believe the hype that I was a good catch and so, of course, someone was going to want to snag me. I had lovers justify possessiveness by claiming they loved me so much. Now I wonder if it's more about the pressure of being coupled and hell, I seem easygoing, so I can't be too hard to live with. Quien sabe - I've devoted too many brain cells to answers around this subject as it is.

I started this post to look at how I'm doing 1/2 a year (more of less) into the resolutions I wanted to consider for this 2006.

I've done pretty poorly but won't count myself out. Here are the resolutions I drafted those last days of December (highlight beneath each to see my update) :

1. live healthier (around healthier people, with healthier food, in healthy environments) Actually I've done pretty well here, but am still looking for female-led dojos or casual spaces to do actual physical activities. I put this resolution in because I was in an unhealthy relationship with Cliffy at the time.

2. devour the knowledge of things I've wanted to get my hands on and make them my own. I haven't tackled this at all except within work, which has helped me. Still, I put this resolution down because I do a fair amount of research around each poem and thought that I could "live" some of my poems if a research topic interested me and I could take it on.

3. live in my body - truly enjoy and be present. I'm doing really well here - asking for what I need, developing a greater self-respect, doing energy work. It's amazing how you open up this can and so much more needs to be opened up and explored. Makes me think of Tigrette who has been asking me why we only use 10% of our brains and what would we be like if we used the full 100%.

4. move on (from the city, the plateau, the way of being, into a space that is truly awe-inspiring and tangible. Well, I've certainly moved, but haven't yet created any kind of foundation. I feel like I'm wearing high heels and all around me are mud puddles - I am afraid to just step into something and really be part of it.

5. write, really write. I'm failing this one really well. With the move and work and no foundation, I'm tripping on just how little writing I can get done. Artists need some small support or they can't create. That I realize now.

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