Thursday, April 12, 2007

ya no/ay no

were you just talking about roller coasters? my belly hurts with the up and down of this last few weeks.

I had a fantastic fight with my brother where I didn't actually speak much. Unfortunately, my brother was pushing my mother around and I said a couple of words [don't cover her mouth] and that set him off. he ended up kicking my car a couple of times, tried kicking the back window in (but he's getting too old to reach it) and then threatened to back his car into mine. I swear I only said those words. I don't know where I found the strength to just be still.

afterward, of course, I tripped out because I had grown up in abusive shit, had ended up in a relationship that was leading that way and left. I knew this wasn't the kind of thing I wanted my daughter to see. just last week a friend was telling me that she seems really confident, self-reliant. she needs to be - I tell her all the time that the world is capable of so much love but there is a lot of bad out there who will call her out for being a girl, for having a voice, for having a queer mother, for being of color, etc etc etc. there's always something.

so, Iwas angry and shook up over all this and, again, my brother's girlfriend, has to point a finger at me as though I'm the instigator. Normally I might be. I'm ready for a tumbazo if someone's being ugly to a woman but I didn't start anything this time. I really think my brother was just angry because someone was questioning his authority, his right to be macho and insensitive. Still, the finger pointing took me even more time to get over.

Add to that my mother's ankle is injured (she's in pain quite a bit), that my father learned he lost his job when he got back from vacation (and they actually said he was "too old"), then he found a job then that place closed after 1 1/2 weeks but now he's got another job that looks more established...

I worry because I've been feeling scared but pretty proud of myself for making moves toward my master's.

I felt free today when I paid off the $365.17 I owed to the university from the last time I was attending. I sent $10 in to get transcripts, completed my application to SAC to take a class there and, amazingly, the one class I need is being offered as an evening course 2 nights a week. Pretty bad ass - especially when you consider there really are so few options for summer courses. And while I'm feeling doors open, all this family stuff has me happy to be moving from it but sad that I won't be close enough to help.

not that I'm leaving anytime soon. I've made plans to begin my program in Fall 2008. they do offer summer courses that I can grandfather in so if I move with some time I can be better settled into life in a small town to transition the little one too.

One thing all this thinking about a master's has reminded me - I need to get to writing. Now more than ever. I have so much in my head I gotta let it go!

Edinburg, TX - who would have thought. Now just to find the queers!

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