all these things

I had all these things I wanted to say but can't get past the emotion of it all.

one friend in a domestic violence situation; missing Cliffy, even if I know she can't be anything to me; not sleeping; writing inconsistently; migraines; objectified as a woman; no one close to me that I can really talk to; and more and more.

and i should be happy. work is heavy and a lot but good too.

but it's not the outside world that's bugging me, it's all the inside stuff.

Tigrette and I were talking about the idea of moving (because we always talk about one kind of move or another - we carry my mother's exile mind) and I asked her if she would want to move. She said no, of course. She loves her Nana. Then she asked me and I told her I didn't see myself living here in SA forever. She interjected to say "It's hard to leave a place when you've connected with people" and I was blown away.

She has so much more emotional intelligence than I could think possible for myself. It would do me good though - maybe then I wouldn't be so tripped out when I wake up the emotional parts of myself, especially with everything that's going on.


I did communion with Tigrette at church a couple of weeks ago. We spoke about sharing a meal was communion, coming together was communion and that Jesus pulled what was available to him on that table to make a point. Nothing special necessarily about the implements themselves. Maybe I'm looking for that someone to have communion with. In the meantime, I find myself standoffish when someone becomes interested. I actually feel my body step back, my hand guarding against any closeness.

I compare most people to Cliffy. Not an average comparison like brown eyes versus green, etc. but comparisons based on how much of Cliffy I feel inside myself when we are laying down together, or how I feel as though my soul is falling over her when she comes into the house. That compared to how someone makes me laugh and there's no comparison.