I wanted conversation, some close, to Cliffy but it's been weeks since we spoke - or tried to do so. A couple of weeks ago she went with me to hear my energy worker speak with a small group. She was able to open up in front of strangers. Many thanked her for revealing herself. I have no beginning idea for why she can't do so with those who would like to love her.
But I felt like I was losing myself in the idea of trying to help her.
And, what's more, I didn't feel the love that would have enabled me to go that journey - if she's even capable of it, or ever was.
I hate it because, like so many women, we hold ourselves back for too long. I've had some things about Cliffy on my mind but this isn't even the place for it. I'm just sorry I wasn't the right one for her. It hurts me that we both left hurting. It hurts me that she could see life with me but couldn't put the energy to making it be.