Sunday, July 31, 2005


I am not known for my decisiveness but this summer has made me particularly unavailable and indecisive. I've had several people tell me that I say I'll call then don't. Or, say I might be able to meet up but don't get back to them to set a time. I remember something Cliffy said once, about how she refuses to make a choice.

It's been since Thursday that I decided something - something personal for me - and since then I have felt calmer. Things have fallen into place somehow. It never occurred to me that making the choice could do that. Somehow choice always meant starting again in an undefined place. Maybe it's the exile in me - everywhere and everyone is a potential home, only to mean I have no permanent place.

I always felt more comfortable not making the choice. It seemed that way, anyhow. But making the choice means being active in my own life. It means some door is closed but so many more, so much more of a path is open - open because I chose it. How open can I really have seen something if the option fell in my lap rather than my actively choosing it?

Choice as a means of spiritual openness. I love it.

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