Saturday, July 30, 2005

comparative studies

I hurt Cliffy's feelings with a previous post. We talked a little the other day and I realize that, while she carries a lot of shit from her own perspective, I wasn't making it so easy for her either. I can't even say that it's because of that previous promise she'd made to me. Instead it's the conversations we inevitably have which upset me. Conversations where we talk about what we are not. More than the conversations - because I already know we "are not" - are the instances where I'm told how little time I might be given.

I don't want to hear all of how she is dividing her time and things are hectic. Whose life isn't? If (as with any friends) we are both busy and we can find half an hour then that's incredible. I want to know how you are and want to be asked how I am. I want to know how I can help or feed you something or sit outside and watch the baby frogs manage jumping on the sidewalk and into the bush in front of the porch. I know time is precious for all of us and so half an hour is great if we are both really present. Hell, don't call at all. Drive by and if you see my van stop and say hello.

As a side note, I think I need to not be so ready to assist. Some folks just want to say what they need, not necessarily get the help. I instantly respond and want to provide. I need to ask if someone really wants the help. More often than not, they do. Maybe I also need to think about whether I am in the frame of mind to give it at all.

I wanted to call Cliffy but also want to give her space this weekend. I know she has the play going on, a friend she's giving support to, another who is coming in from out of town.

But I also want to say here, as a prayer, that I release her from any bonds or ideas I may have placed on her. I release her with love and the knowledge that I am there to support her, distantly or within arms' reach. I send good feelings and blessings. I cannot send enough, there is so much good I want her to enjoy in her life.

Today, I release everyone from any expectations we may have created together or separately.

Now, just to remind Cliffy and all others - this doesn't mean we don't stop our own expectations. So I release myself from any expectation or overestimates I may have placed on myself. I hope we all do that because that is even harder a job.

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