Thursday, May 26, 2005

Cliffy no more

no recovery here

I have had a couple of days of not being able to quite connect with Cliffy and today she came by work to see how I was. That was nice and unexpected. I invited her to dinner and we hung out okay.

I did ask if she'd like to stay since she was going to be out of town all weekend and I thought we could spend a little time together. She said she couldn't. The family she's living with left for out of town again and she was taking care of their dog and house and, get this, had to get back before her friend's partner got home so that she could have a place to sleep as she sleeps in that partner's bed. I was offering her a place and that shouldn't have been a worry.

In the beginning of our getting to know each other, we both felt so strongly that possibility of really being something together. Then, throughout this last month, I felt sad sometimes when I looked at her because I could see/feel the potential we carried - potential we weren't following up on. Today, as she sat close to me (to be close but also to perhaps appease me for not being able to stay over), I felt that the little bit of a relationship we'd conjured and the little bit she was able to allow in was all that would ever be. That realization felt like a death.

I'm left with this feeling of wanting to be held but can't imagine anyone being close to me right now.

All this creeped up in my head after she left so I called her and told her that I couldn't see her because it hurt me every time I did. And that the relationship with me that she couldn't give she was already giving to the family she's staying with. I realize now what Ya Vez said of them long ago. They hold people in place. And Cliffy acknowledges she's gotten comfortable (i.e. complacent).

I told her I loved her but that she was afraid to live her life. She told me she couldn't give me what I wanted. I told her she wasn't allowing herself to give herself what she wanted.

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