Tuesday, July 24, 2007

crunch time but my mind is wandering...

I have three phobias which, could I mute them, would make my life as slick as a sonnet, but as dull as dishwater: I hate to go to bed, I hate to get up, and I hate to be alone. --Tallulah Bankhead

This last few weeks have been immense. I've not talked to any friends. Cliffy stayed at the house the weekend before last. Like always, it was good until after she left. I've had this stomach virus off and on for weeks and got the final brunt of it last week, missing two days of work - not my choice, especially considering it's a new job. I'm loving work and even went in this weekend to show Delhi the space and get some cleanup done. School is kicking my butt and I'm supposed to be awake to write my extra credit paper. I was so sick I couldn't even get up to get to class so I missed a test - good thing is that I'm not penalized - bad thing is that my final test counts twice. It's been 4 or 5 days since the worst of it and my neck is still tight and my ribs hurt tremendously.

Amid all this, I've had on my mind the realization, yet again, that there is so little in this city for me. I'm at the opposite side of the wheel that I was in when in Austin - there I'd lost my job but found a city that, while not perfect, was close to sharing my energy/frame of mind/frequency. Now, I've got a great job, keep getting promoted and pay raises but don't have community. It hurts me.

Delhi surprised me this evening and folded some of my clothes that I'd washed and made my bed (if you know me, you know I don't make beds). I told her I really appreciated it because those were ways we could help each other - in just the few moments we have free. We'd been having so many talks where I was doing the talking - I'd neglected the community-vision of my parenting - that eventually she never talked. This weekend she spent some time at my mother's house but I picked her up Sunday morning and told her that I wasn't going to rationalize or guilt her but that I would very much like us to work together to clean up. It took forever but we went through some clothes for school, threw away old school stuff, put her books away and checked off the school supply items we already had.

I'm trying to make the most of the space that I do have. I would very much like to be in a space where I could say what I wanted, where I could let out my wittiness without apologizing, where someone who tells me they should marry me means it - some place where I'm able to write so that I'm not getting frustrated with my little mama. I would like to stay peaceful with her. We work so much better. I don't know that I'm capable of making peace with this city or with the luck that's given me career opportunities but I can make peace with my Delhi.

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