I am feeling a little ghostly today. Have been feeling that way since Sunday really. Visiting Gloria's grave took more out of me than I realized. Delhi even asked me if I was sad. I guess it was obvious I wasn't in the good mood I'd been in earlier.
Saturday night I had a dream I was helping this guy put together a poetry gathering and we were working on publishing a book. It was good work. It felt solid. You know how good it feels to be productive and nothing be in your way.
Out of nowhere this wave of sadness hit me and I felt like I was being called from San Anto. I didn't know if it was something about my family or Cliffy or my own life now or what. I just didn't like the overwhelming feeling. It scared me. And since that dream I have been upset on a number of levels:
- that I feel held back by family and by those who won't express themselves openly
- that I feel that incredible guilt to stay here despite my desire for continued growth
- that those who are holding me are or have been held back to and I want to show understanding but instead I carry some anger
there are other things - I'm having a hard time verbalizing it. All I know if that the anger, frustration and sadness that I felt in that dream was so profound (like a dark ocean wave thirty feet over my head) and so unexpected it seemed to call me - I remember gesturing to my work, to show how busy and happy I was in all of it. As though get it to understand I was in a good place. I woke up right then so I obviously didn't win that argument.