Wednesday, March 01, 2006


Tigrette and I went shopping for meds at the Walgreen's last night and she told me that her classmates told her she was weird for not having a father. I asked her if she was the only one in that classroom without a father and she said no. I was going to be hurt, started thinking about why they are even having that discussion when I finally understood she was saying that the classmates were saying it was strange she was made without a father. Kids today. They are first-graders and already understand the basic needs for creating another one of them.

I did explain to her the difference between "weird" and "different" and we talked about what different families looked like. She had one friend living with her grandmother and another who had foster parents. Tigrette's been able to see different combinations of all kinds of things in her tiny life and you can see the difference it's made - she's well-rounded (for a 1st grader) and open to situations others would naturally question the validity or truth of.

I have had lots of activities and things going on that have been, for me, blog-worthy, but I'm so over-extended between work and single parenting and my own stuff and still living in boxes. At this point I'm thinking that I must not need it or I would have unloaded the box already.

I had a small breakdown moment at work once 3 weeks into the thing when I realized how interdependent my role is with other positions. So, I felt my hands tied when, completing a simple project meant there was a complete revamp of the process around that project. Yes, I'm enjoying my job but that, coupled with incomplete data and I was feeling a little frustrated.

A similar thing happened to me at home this week. Between the packed boxes, the boxes to dump, the furniture painting and design in Tigrette's room and learning to live in the kitchen I've inherited, I am wrecked. I keep thinking I shouldn't work so hard to make the place attractive but setting is always important to me. Without ambiance I don't feel at home. And it's evident : I'm eating quick foods and not sleeping well. I caught some cold Tigrette had and it's thrown me out completely. I haven't called my friends despite my knowing they have stuff going on.

But, I got hit a couple of days ago with the feeling that I had no community again. I came into the city intent on building and finding community for myself because I so enjoyed and prospered under a community feel.

Maybe it's because I haven't had the space to write. I'm completely reupholstering my couch and bought a dining table I'll be redoing so I'm not feeling the creative pull even as I know that a couch does not replace good purge time.

There is the potential for community - my next door neighbor is a queer Santero and the guy next to him is, as my neighbor says, "flaming, girl". Always nice. But I'm back in San Anto where I just too straight-looking for the rucas. I shouldn't even be concerned with that but it is one more straw that makes it hard to connect.

I think I'm going to go to the new Ruta Maya here in San Anto for their weekly poetry reading - let me get some stuff out! That is, after Tigrette presents at the science fair. She was, as she says, "the only 1st grader in the 1st grade hall to do a science project on magnets!" My baby.


Amelita (Amy) said...

Hola Chica!!! How are you!?!?!?! I am so glad I found you! I have missed you! I have missed you a lot!

You are still one of my favorite people.

I love you!

krissy said...

We love and miss you and your daughter! i got a job at a cabinetmaker's woodshop, and so am either busy or exhausted. But you are very much in my thoughts. xo