spontaneity

I have stopped trying.

I know that I placed a moratorium on Ya Vez but have to say that I felt the shift within myself when I realized I didn't want to try for friendship with her. We were having a conversation on the phone and then she threw out the word "spontaneous".

I realized then that conversation with her will always carry the hurt we placed on each other while we were together. She used to use the word when I would make the first move for sex. She'd claim that she liked to be spontaneous (i.e. she's more butchy so only she could make the first move - if I did she got cold).

Her saying that word left me without a choice. I swear I felt the eraser going across the chalkboard. Everything was gone.