Thursday, May 12, 2005

house of love, spy in the

I have had an incredibly hard week. I am so tired I haven't even thought about sex. And, if you know me, you know that's statistically impossible.

I have gotten a couple of calls this week and my mind is still in the denial of what I really want. I always tell Little Lion, when she is acting up or ugly, that the whole world denies the life we build, that the whole world could swallow our ideals, needs, contribution and belittles us, and so we must work hard to create a house of love.

And, unfortunately, I've realized I want a partner to do that with. Someone to share my life with. Someone who, if they cough in the bed in the middle of the night, I can rub their back and offer water. Someone who can reach for a can on a high shelf. Someone who tells me their day as they cut onions and I stir the black beans.

My body seems to be rejecting everyone who may have expressed an interest in me. I need to start again and those in my past who cannot become a part of these things, who want me part time, must step aside.

I cannot believe the way I broke down into this realization. I have been so busy with work I haven't even had the chance to buy myself a latte at Azul, let alone some milk to make my own coffee. So, when, at 10 a.m. this morning I saw the opportunity to buy a starbucks (I know, I know!) while on the way, again, to home depot for paint for the theatre space, I took it. I sat in the parking lot after getting my coffee through the drive through to actually enjoy a little of my coffee.

At this same time "Caramel" by Suzanne Vega came on the radio and I started crying. Drinking a cup of coffee for me is a small meditation, a reminder of the glorious warmth we have in our lives. The world was telling me to enjoy this moment. But damned if that song didn't say exactly what the past three days of attempted writing wasn't:

It won't do to dream of caramel,
to think of cinnamon and long for you.

It won't do to stir a deep desire,
to fan a hidden fire that can never burn true.

I know your name, I know your skin,
I know the way these things begin;

But I don't know how I would live with myself,
what I'd forgive of myself if you don't go.

So goodbye, sweet appetite, no single bite could satisfy...

I keep hearing from surrounding women that I am a good woman, that I have a lot to offer, have a great writing voice and heart but none of them are at a place where they can/want to start a t a life with me. I mean regardless of what has gone on in our past together. Start fresh. But I've realized that, despite the reasons they may have given for not making a commitment, it all comes to one thing: they don't believe the words they themselves say and so they can't act on them.

I will not be made to feel I am asking for too much. I'm asking to have someone who will hold me as we fall to sleep. Someone who'll believe in bettering our world. Someone who is ready to put aside some ego for a chance. But right now all I see is a clear horizon - I'm not looking to fall into someone's arms right now. There are things I have to accomplish for myself right now. BUT, if the opportunity presents itself, I am ready to work on building.

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