Friday, March 16, 2007

Omarion - Ice box // done in

This is how I'm feeling - right now I'm in an argument with myself.

I'm tired.

I am getting paid more at my current job but have less money: Gas to and fro, mandatory retirement money removed fromy paycheck monthly and the car again acting up (this time the distributor went bad) all leave me with so little it hurts me that I have to talk to the little one on the phone to tell her she can't go skating because we got to save money.

And I know I'll let this go soon enough but I'm kind of irked that I was helping Cliffy update her resume and application online today because she couldn't. When we spoke yesterday I told her I would need her information and she would need to call me when she got out of work. Well, she didn't call.

I should have stopped there and let her deal with it but I keep my word - so I completed it and submitted the application on her behalf. I left her a message and I realize my voice didn't sound very loving but when am I going to get it? That here I am doing it on my own and if someone does help me I am in such a space that I feel like I'm literally getting on my hands and knees to thank them.

I know that she has family shit going on. It's not pretty. Hell, we all have family shit. The tune up for my car should have cost $50 but ended up over $100 because of the distributor (there's goes gas money for the month), my father lost his job and my mom, who is 4 months from completing payments on her car, doesn't have the $500 needed. My rent is going up but I don't have the funds I would need to be able to move right now.

So much for my temporary illusions of lower-middle class. All this crap feels like the working class stuff I've always grown up with. [Don't think it doesn't remind me of my being single, and not having a companion for emotional/financial/spiritual support - that's a whole other blog entry.]

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