Tuesday, July 12, 2005

demanding an appearance

I hung out with La Deb on Friday night for dinner only to have her throw a question at me out of nowhere - asking me if I would like to date again and now be exclusive. Never did I realize more that it wasn't that I couldn't commit (yes, that has its place) but that I just am not ready. Ya Vez still trails in my mind. How long does it have to be? Heaven forbid the transition is as long as the relationship lasted, which is what one woman told me, to ensure I'm over the person.

Worse is I called her La Deb today and she was so mad at me for not calling before this that she ended up telling me to "forget it". I can't do a commitment. She knows that. Why force that on me then get angry with me because I haven't called? I had plenty of other things to deal with. I don't understand why she wouldn't at least listen to me. I was sick one day, dealt with the issue of race relations all weekend both within the marriage debate and outside of it, and spent most of yesterday working on a grant with a friend of mine (who is, herself mad at me - god knows why). I'm trying to not bombard myself with all the things I need to get done but it doesn't help when I can't find support or at least some distance sometimes.

What's really sad is that I thought I would do one thing for myself this weekend and never did get to give myself a little time. Four meetings on Saturday, two on Sunday, one meeting yesterday and a whole day of grant writing, plus little sleep and lots of pent up energy, does not make me happy.

One nice thing was that the director of VONA forwarded pictures to us of the week we had together. Unfortunately, when he came to our class, he was taking close pictures and I wonder why I ended up with one photo where my boob was hanging out:

Hell, at least I was writing.

I now miss the idea of having to be far away so I don't have to deal with those who will not hear me. As I used to tell Ya Vez, I'm not right all the time, but damned, it seems I'm always right when no one is listening to me.


Anonymous said...

(i've written and re-written my comment so many times.....)

la mala said...

I have no idea what you are trying to say. Was the blogspot not letting you put a comment on?