I can say it and the world doesn't blow up into a billion pieces:
I sometimes think of returning to old relationships, or falling into inappropriate ones or allowing relationships that are less than beneficial. BUT that doesn't mean I'll do any of this. My mind wanders, I've always had this ability. It's what's allowed me to write poetry so well. I can connect a piece of bread to the other side of the world to a broken arm to a song from the 1950s.
Fellow writer and friend Maggie would say it was a language translation issue if she heard me say: When I talk about the women in my life, in my past, I use the present tense, even future tense. They continue to influence me and I can't help but honor the choices we made when we were together, the way we split and, above all else, the way we joined. Those are some of the most beautiful moments of all.
Tonight is the night Cliffy returned to me in another form. Still not seeing anyone, still not ready to see me and still needing to work on her stuff but our connection is intact. That makes me profoundly happy.
When I began this blog I sent the announcement to a few people but never thought they'd look at it except for the first few days. Now I realize why blog activists have been so successful. People can't help but read them. I fight the urge now to send a blanket statement apologizing for anything I might have said, might still say. Rather, everyone should be sure to know that I write only a small portion of what may occur in my life. They should also know (no surprise) that I am a little dramatic.
I say all this because now my friends are quoting me from the blog and Cliffy told me she read it and was glad she couldn't always access it. I cannot apologize but I will say she is an incredible woman who reads me like few have - she reads me as the person I'm working to become.
I remember when Cliffy and I met. I hadn't ever met her before but knew instantly who she was. I walked up to her and felt as though I already knew her - some organic reaction/some spirit recognition. Papito/Cliffy, te mando un dedicacion : "Me Siento Guajiro" by La Lupe : el ritmo me cae bien. In honor of the land we hold in ourselves, the home we build within ourselves. It's about time I started building, que no? No more wandering. No more exile syndrome for me.
As La Lupe chimes to close her song:
pa ta pa pa