I've been wanting to write this poem for awhile. It's been sitting in my head, patiently waiting. It comes from a couple of conversations Tigrette had with me regarding death. At one point her fascination was so strong with all the possible ways to die my mother sat me down and wondered if it was normal for a 6 year old to continue these discussions. All this time, I thought she was expressing her creativity... what do I know? She's as well adjusted as she's going to be considering the personality of the one raising her.
all the ways to die
maybe it is the three cemeteries
on the one road from one side of town to another
but she starts the conversation
there are plenty of ways to die:
you can fall off a mountain,
slip in the shower, be killed in a car accident.
there’s a chance of dying if you are flying,
if there’s a fire in your home and you are asleep.
you could be dancing and have a stroke,
or your heart could be sick and stop pumping.
you could be shot in the head
or have an operation and not wake up.
you could stop breathing or choke on dinner,
poison in the food you eat
or slip and fall on a knife while cooking.
you know, most ways to die are kind of loving.
Monday, December 05, 2005
Friday, December 02, 2005
los blancos son candela
My mother called me this morning and told me her Tia Teresa, just arrived from Cuba and visiting our family in Florida, couldn't imagine all the things our country throws away and how our hands don't handle even basic tasks anymore. Her prime example was grapes she saw at a grocery store, already washed and in individual bags. Teresa says "los blancos son candela."
global cositas
Well, the universe may have heard me...
Months ago, when Spain passed gay marriage, I wondered why countries that aren't white-dominant couldn't also do gay marriage. Seems South Africa is one step closer.
I am truly enjoying the fact that America, with all its liberties and so called freedom, has to now sit back and see, in spaces where their influence is limited, that liberation for queers will inevitably come. While I hate how the mainstream gay community has positioned itself as the next civil rights issue in America, etc., I cannot help but think of how America was one of the last to disallow slavery. In much the same way, human rights and protections for queers will mostly likely show up last in this country as well.
Continuing the global idea, while I know that the National Gay and Lesbian Task Force and most queers are upset at the Vatican's passive fingerpointing to gays as their major problem, I had to laugh that the Vatican itself stated that men could not enter seminaries if they have "deep-seated homosexual tendencies” or support "gay culture".
Finally some recognition! I'm amazed that the Vatican recognizes queers have a culture and that our identities are deep-seated/firmly rooted. All this time I was told I was fucking women because of my own ego, because I was perverse or because some man had done me wrong.
Months ago, when Spain passed gay marriage, I wondered why countries that aren't white-dominant couldn't also do gay marriage. Seems South Africa is one step closer.
I am truly enjoying the fact that America, with all its liberties and so called freedom, has to now sit back and see, in spaces where their influence is limited, that liberation for queers will inevitably come. While I hate how the mainstream gay community has positioned itself as the next civil rights issue in America, etc., I cannot help but think of how America was one of the last to disallow slavery. In much the same way, human rights and protections for queers will mostly likely show up last in this country as well.
Continuing the global idea, while I know that the National Gay and Lesbian Task Force and most queers are upset at the Vatican's passive fingerpointing to gays as their major problem, I had to laugh that the Vatican itself stated that men could not enter seminaries if they have "deep-seated homosexual tendencies” or support "gay culture".
Finally some recognition! I'm amazed that the Vatican recognizes queers have a culture and that our identities are deep-seated/firmly rooted. All this time I was told I was fucking women because of my own ego, because I was perverse or because some man had done me wrong.
Thursday, December 01, 2005
helping
I don't know how to accept help.
It kills me to have to need it.
A couple of days ago I went grocery shopping and ended up having the same older man bag my groceries who did so two weeks ago.
At that time, we almost had a (very polite) fight at the cash register because I didn't expect any help and 9.75 time out of 10 HEB doesn't have any baggers, let alone enough available to walk with you to your car. But the man insisted, and looked at me so intensely, I acquiesced.
I was mad at myself for not being able to accept some help (kindness really, huh?). He was very respectful, called me Miss and asked me to have a nice day.
He did the same when I saw him earlier this week after walking me out to the van. I am still upset with whatever events or people have made me so overly closed off.
It kills me to have to need it.
A couple of days ago I went grocery shopping and ended up having the same older man bag my groceries who did so two weeks ago.
At that time, we almost had a (very polite) fight at the cash register because I didn't expect any help and 9.75 time out of 10 HEB doesn't have any baggers, let alone enough available to walk with you to your car. But the man insisted, and looked at me so intensely, I acquiesced.
I was mad at myself for not being able to accept some help (kindness really, huh?). He was very respectful, called me Miss and asked me to have a nice day.
He did the same when I saw him earlier this week after walking me out to the van. I am still upset with whatever events or people have made me so overly closed off.
Monday, November 28, 2005
talking doesn't cook the rice
this from a Chinese proverb...
There's been a lot of talking going on, namely from those who assume they represent queer communities of color. Mostly because of the No Nonsense in November campaign's response to the KKK's recent visit here and to the recently passed Proposition 2, which formally defines marriage as one man and one woman.
I am enjoying my time away from allgo now that I'm not working there. It's cleared my head. Maybe people didn't say anything before because I was working there. Maybe I just didn't hear them. Still, so many have come around to me with words of understanding - understanding in that allgo has developed much like most dysfunctional families do - some how still surviving.
When I began as a board member for allgo, then working there, I connected with the philosophy of liberation for queer people of color. I soon realized, however, that philosophy doesn't feed anyone. As working class people know, who has time for rhetoric when you are working paycheck to paycheck and sickness could mean you can't pay the bills.
Spread by local email was the last response to an apparent dialogue the NNN campaign had with one of the former executive directors of allgo. Of course I got it in my mailbox too. Nothing that was in this response was inappropriate or an outright lie. Lying also means, though, that you don't reveal all your truth.
It's so good to be away from an organization which belittles those who founded the organization as well as paying members (predominantly Latino) all the while continuing its bilingual "look" in media and programming. Tell me, how do you maintain a bilingual look and feel but push a people of color theory? Easy : hire other ethnicities for appearances, say that those who are currently supporting don't truly support, and claim the membership is lax. Yes, blame it on the people.
The response to the campaign's tactics fell short - from day one FUNDING was the most important thing to this nonprofit, dictating who would receive HIV/AIDS information by determining what spaces were chosen for outreach. Likewise, it was funding which dictated the organization's inability to actively take a side in any issue. For just $5,000 we closed our mouths to saying Prop. 2 would make it harder to gain services for domestic violence in our families, or make already hard-to-access protections potentially meaningless. Heaven forbid a queer people of color organization look political, say what it really needs.
On the plus side, we didn't have to commit membership involvement because that meant activating our membership. We also then, as an organization, got to sit down and talk, endlessly sometimes, about how all the other HIV, queer or cultural organizations were doing it all wrong.
There have always been two camps to bringing in people of color to issues like Prop. 2. One would say they have to be there from the beginning in the planning, development and leadership of every aspect.
The other proposes that mainstream groups will never understand people of color and so why help them in a struggle is we'll be dealing with their homogenized viewpoint?
Beyond these, people of color need to look at an issue for themselves and say "fuck these white people if they can't get us - this issue affects us more than it ever will them."
Too often, we choose to sit around instead. Talking is easy. Pointing fingers is easy. Apparently running an organization is easy too if the board is weak, the staff is not supported and those who talk more than work are paid plenty to kick back and create more theory.
There's been a lot of talking going on, namely from those who assume they represent queer communities of color. Mostly because of the No Nonsense in November campaign's response to the KKK's recent visit here and to the recently passed Proposition 2, which formally defines marriage as one man and one woman.
I am enjoying my time away from allgo now that I'm not working there. It's cleared my head. Maybe people didn't say anything before because I was working there. Maybe I just didn't hear them. Still, so many have come around to me with words of understanding - understanding in that allgo has developed much like most dysfunctional families do - some how still surviving.
When I began as a board member for allgo, then working there, I connected with the philosophy of liberation for queer people of color. I soon realized, however, that philosophy doesn't feed anyone. As working class people know, who has time for rhetoric when you are working paycheck to paycheck and sickness could mean you can't pay the bills.
Spread by local email was the last response to an apparent dialogue the NNN campaign had with one of the former executive directors of allgo. Of course I got it in my mailbox too. Nothing that was in this response was inappropriate or an outright lie. Lying also means, though, that you don't reveal all your truth.
It's so good to be away from an organization which belittles those who founded the organization as well as paying members (predominantly Latino) all the while continuing its bilingual "look" in media and programming. Tell me, how do you maintain a bilingual look and feel but push a people of color theory? Easy : hire other ethnicities for appearances, say that those who are currently supporting don't truly support, and claim the membership is lax. Yes, blame it on the people.
The response to the campaign's tactics fell short - from day one FUNDING was the most important thing to this nonprofit, dictating who would receive HIV/AIDS information by determining what spaces were chosen for outreach. Likewise, it was funding which dictated the organization's inability to actively take a side in any issue. For just $5,000 we closed our mouths to saying Prop. 2 would make it harder to gain services for domestic violence in our families, or make already hard-to-access protections potentially meaningless. Heaven forbid a queer people of color organization look political, say what it really needs.
On the plus side, we didn't have to commit membership involvement because that meant activating our membership. We also then, as an organization, got to sit down and talk, endlessly sometimes, about how all the other HIV, queer or cultural organizations were doing it all wrong.
There have always been two camps to bringing in people of color to issues like Prop. 2. One would say they have to be there from the beginning in the planning, development and leadership of every aspect.
The other proposes that mainstream groups will never understand people of color and so why help them in a struggle is we'll be dealing with their homogenized viewpoint?
Beyond these, people of color need to look at an issue for themselves and say "fuck these white people if they can't get us - this issue affects us more than it ever will them."
Too often, we choose to sit around instead. Talking is easy. Pointing fingers is easy. Apparently running an organization is easy too if the board is weak, the staff is not supported and those who talk more than work are paid plenty to kick back and create more theory.
Thursday, November 17, 2005
queer femme
I was in denial - it's occurred to me that, despite my self-identification, those living in butch/femme or gay worlds would define me as they chose. I came to realize this in some recent or recently understood displays of sexism.
I continually end up in a space where, because I am deemed "femme", I must contend with butches who sexualize me or ignore me - neither allowing for me to appear within their mind as a complete person.
Worse, dealing with femmes who will only communicate with butches, in that coy/head tilted way, which diminishes both them and the butch.
Yes, butch/femme is a way of life, is a natural expression of our characters, a way to connect with others but the inherent sexism and machismo that takes root in these expressions is hard to slice away from the natural expression.
I've seen femmes dismiss other femmes because they aren't femme enough, or classify someone without truly asking how they might identify. I worked with a woman recently who, in discussing a potential volunteer, stated she "was cute but, oh, she's femme so never mind". What does it mean to be woman-identified? How many queer women do you know who fuck their own gender but aren't woman-identified? Imagine how revolutionary we would be if truly working to empower and enable other women.
Why have we learned, albeit slowly, to ask those who are queer or trans what pronoun they prefer, but cannot ask another what identifying label they prefer - if any? Is it the sexism, that old friend, which seems so hard to dismantle? Is it that which allows us to accept trans because they either originally carried or now newly carry male privilege? And who the fuck decided (and continues to decide) that male-identifiers were strictly male gender expressions? Or that these expressions hold more power than any other expressions?
I continually end up in a space where, because I am deemed "femme", I must contend with butches who sexualize me or ignore me - neither allowing for me to appear within their mind as a complete person.
Worse, dealing with femmes who will only communicate with butches, in that coy/head tilted way, which diminishes both them and the butch.
Yes, butch/femme is a way of life, is a natural expression of our characters, a way to connect with others but the inherent sexism and machismo that takes root in these expressions is hard to slice away from the natural expression.
I've seen femmes dismiss other femmes because they aren't femme enough, or classify someone without truly asking how they might identify. I worked with a woman recently who, in discussing a potential volunteer, stated she "was cute but, oh, she's femme so never mind". What does it mean to be woman-identified? How many queer women do you know who fuck their own gender but aren't woman-identified? Imagine how revolutionary we would be if truly working to empower and enable other women.
Why have we learned, albeit slowly, to ask those who are queer or trans what pronoun they prefer, but cannot ask another what identifying label they prefer - if any? Is it the sexism, that old friend, which seems so hard to dismantle? Is it that which allows us to accept trans because they either originally carried or now newly carry male privilege? And who the fuck decided (and continues to decide) that male-identifiers were strictly male gender expressions? Or that these expressions hold more power than any other expressions?
Thursday, November 03, 2005
new poem : bundling
bundling
what fire in the belly keeps you
keeps your love’s ass against your hips
now that fall’s set in?
so much fills your head you cannot wear a hat
you know you should
otherwise, the wood floors will catch fire,
occasional words rubbing the paneling,
the kitchen table, the Chinese lantern
who left the tuba at your doorstep
when you asked for more air
the living room carrying too much earth,
rocks clustered at every corner
don’t think about putting your shoes away
leave them by the door
with this much going on
you’ll need to plan an escape
and post it on the back of the entry door.
what fire in the belly keeps you
keeps your love’s ass against your hips
now that fall’s set in?
so much fills your head you cannot wear a hat
you know you should
otherwise, the wood floors will catch fire,
occasional words rubbing the paneling,
the kitchen table, the Chinese lantern
who left the tuba at your doorstep
when you asked for more air
the living room carrying too much earth,
rocks clustered at every corner
don’t think about putting your shoes away
leave them by the door
with this much going on
you’ll need to plan an escape
and post it on the back of the entry door.
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