dream

I had a dream Tuesday night that there were two, bulky looking men who handed me a baby to take care of. I realized as they were passing her to me that she was my niece and, in looking at the men, I realized they were police or at least uniformed.

This goes back to my feeling of motherliness. I don't know if the dream is in response to all this feeling (though, who imagines a baby just handed to you?) or if I'm anticipating a possible outcome considering what's going on in their life.

Here's a pic of them. My scanner broke so I took a capture shot from the webcam, hence the strange look.

Cute, no? Mati (Deja Matilda) and my child, Delhi Micaela! Pictures of me in the 1970s look the same!

one dream from RGV

I am feeling a little ghostly today. Have been feeling that way since Sunday really. Visiting Gloria's grave took more out of me than I realized. Delhi even asked me if I was sad. I guess it was obvious I wasn't in the good mood I'd been in earlier.

Saturday night I had a dream I was helping this guy put together a poetry gathering and we were working on publishing a book. It was good work. It felt solid. You know how good it feels to be productive and nothing be in your way.

Out of nowhere this wave of sadness hit me and I felt like I was being called from San Anto. I didn't know if it was something about my family or Cliffy or my own life now or what. I just didn't like the overwhelming feeling. It scared me. And since that dream I have been upset on a number of levels:

- that I feel held back by family and by those who won't express themselves openly
- that I feel that incredible guilt to stay here despite my desire for continued growth
- that those who are holding me are or have been held back to and I want to show understanding but instead I carry some anger

there are other things - I'm having a hard time verbalizing it. All I know if that the anger, frustration and sadness that I felt in that dream was so profound (like a dark ocean wave thirty feet over my head) and so unexpected it seemed to call me - I remember gesturing to my work, to show how busy and happy I was in all of it. As though get it to understand I was in a good place. I woke up right then so I obviously didn't win that argument.

mind meld

I must be trying to avoid something. I keep finding music to play, even adding a music component to this here blog.

My mind keeps trailing off to MFA programs. I need out of here!

I had a dream last night that the stuff I was writing was coming true. At one point, someone has me write a friend's name and they appear just like someone who is walking up to you.

I had a meeting this morning at the downtown campus - it was good to have a quiet start to the day - I didn't sleep but 2 hours and I am so feeling it. Thankfully too, I'm a big old procrastinator... I had a sweater, a jacket and a full coat in the car (I wonder what made me take out the gloves and scarf?). When I left from home this morning, it was cool, low 70s and a little humid (Exhibit A, my hair). Just as I was putting my keys to the old van after my meeting, this cold air started and the sky was gray and heavy. Thirty minutes later it was so cold I needed the big coat (and those gloves and scarf!).

I had lunch in the staff lounge room and turned on the television. When I realized no one was coming in, I changed it from CNN to Star Trek: Voyager. Gotta love Kate Mulgrew. Oh, and Jeri Ryan. And Roxann Dawson. I think I even had crushes on the men: Robert Beltran and Garrett Wang. Who wouldn't? Damn, I'd forgotten how sexy the cast of Voyager was. How could the show fail?