a new year

it's been a few weeks since I've written anything.
it's actually been several weeks since I've felt like writing anything.

curiously, I moved into the apartment and ended up with a rash that usually shows up when I am stressed. true enough, work's been hell with changes. not intolerable but it's easily visible that lines are being drawn and friends help friends.

the rash finally gone I realized my writing was at a change and needed some time to come together again. I feel like I'm in the first few months of pregnancy, and am starting to feel the flutter like butterfly wings inside my center now.

this month of quiet has been unique, magic and calming:

tigrette's learning an incredible amount of sign language at school
and she can laugh about looking like a boy sometimes, especially now that her hair is even shorter, and sometimes, the way she looks at me, reminds me of a picture of my great great grandfather, a mulatto french man who moved to Cuba, with wild, kinky hair and intense eyes;
cliffy and I are coming together
and things like grocery shopping aren't chores so much as they are the opportunity to provide some softness to my family;
the apartment is all lived in already but still fresh, a real opportunity to grow;
we have a new hamster, puffy, who has the same boitel attitude all the rest of the family has;
I've strengthened my friendships, in some cases finding friends again, and claimed them as family.

there's a lot more but some moments of growth and change are so subtle, I would have no appropriate word to show the movement they provoked in me.

today is my birthday and cliffy gave me a gift last night that I didn't want to open until this morning. at 1 a.m. I couldn't sleep so I got up for some water and opened the present. you know, I've been accused of holding back on letting people see me. I didn't expect any present at all except a handmade card from Delhi and some great emails from friends.

a gift from cliffy was incredibly sweet and she chose these things that were so exactly right for me. it makes me feel good that she sees me. in particular, she bought me a cute red and purple ceramic heart with the word "create" on it. there I was, all crying, just holding that heart.

cliffy thinks I'm not writing because of work. I can't disagree with her but I do know that my writing is present, is with me - just quietly sleeping, a small group of petals promising an entire landscape.

Cafe Libro reading

Red Salmon Arts presents Cafe Libro, a bi-monthy open
mike series, featuring JoAnne Reyes-Boitel. She is a
queer poet and writer, mother, cubana/chicana mezcla
who works as a community organizer, cultural worker,
working class graphic designer and music researcher.

JoAnne was a recent participant in a class with
performance poet Willie Perdomo during the Voices of
Our Nations Writing Workshop, a special gathering
specific to writers of color working with well
known authors and performers, held on the campus of
the University of San Francisco. We invite
poet/artistas to come & share/enjoy the cantos &
cuentos of emerging & established writers/musicians.

Friday Sept. 2.
7pm.
Resistencia Bookstore
1801-A South First St.
for more info call: 416-8885

Crawford, TX

Delhi asked me if Bush had horses because she's desperate to ride one. I told her he probably did on his ranch just northeast of Austin. She asked if she could ask him if she could ride one and I told her that he probably wouldn't let her, considering his vacation in Crawford was so he could stay away from people. Besides, I told her, he probably isn't too keen on giving favors to people who disagree with him.

My daughter went to Crawford, TX with a couple I adore and, while she didn't talk much (she never does), she watched the news that night and said, out loud, "I was there!". That phrase struck me because of the intent in her voice. She was claiming her role in the larger picture. I wish I could have been there with her, making signs and talking with others. More than that, just being present - to count as a body - one of many who haven't yet died for oil in a fucked up war effort - a body that stands to disagree with those who claim leadership.

Makes me think of Judy Miller, still in jail for not revealing a White House source. Tigrette not talking unless she has too, keeping some secrets to herself because she knows how important information is/how it has to be held close to the body/hugged to her chest like something that's loved.

Tigrette's resilient. Appearing more strong now that her bushel of hair is gone into a pixie cut - revealing the very complex face she carries. Boitels don't come into this world lightly, even if we know how to let loose. It's no surprise we all have big mouths and a history of starting fires/bombs/revolutions/thinking.

it hurts to laugh

No, I didn't learn my lesson with the first illness (which was, it turns out, strep throat, not tonsilitis). I had one beautiful day of true food eating and was back to feeling nasty when the antibiotics wore off.

I wondered what was up with my throat. I used to have throat problems when I was on the cusp of new writing/great change, but this second bout of illness (still strep), has me thinking I've been moving too fast in my body and mind.

It's been a hellish kind of year, even if there were some great things, so I am SO looking forward to my birthday to be done with this year. I talked with Ya Vez and told her it started with the open house we had for our new home and her new office. People were jealous or upset we should be so happy. People should learn not to read the outside story so blankly. What's the name of that David Byrne song about a man who can change his face to truly show his character?

My head, like this entry, is all over the place.

It doesn't help that I had to have a ct scan this morning because the doctor thought I might have an abcess in my throat. The iodine injection was horrible and I felt so horrible for an hour after. I left the place crying because the machine was so bad and I felt so alone. I felt so embarassed about the whole thing too because there I was, a grown woman, sitting in some dark parking garage crying my eyes out.

I'm feeling calmer now, and things seem to have finally settled some. My throat hurts like mad but I just keep the liquids up and everything's good. I've got to look half decent since I've got Tigrette's open house at her school tonight.

Oh lord, all those kids...

yay! new digs!

I got good news. The apartment complex I'd applied at finally came through! So, I have a place to stay.

Thank god. As I walk around this house, I realize I STILL have so much to throw away but now I feel better about putting things in boxes.

still recuperating

I'm still not feeling well, though the world seemed right again today - Mercury no longer in retrograde and Tigrette back at school. She looked so cute this morning. Super tall and self-assured. She was surprised when I told her on Sunday and Monday that we were going to buy school supplies. I had forgotten to tell her that school was starting again. So, she spent the last two nights incredibly happy and jumping in her skin.

She was also really happy she got into class with one of her best friends from last year.

For me, there's something about again knowing that, no matter what I'm up to, I have to get her to school by 7:15 a.m. and pick her up by 6 p.m. at her after school camp.

I've started writing again. Not lots but with the preparation for the move and chaos and illness, my writing took a seat in the back of the bus. It's nice to know she doesn't leave. I also got invited to be featured readyer at a venue so that was a nice ego booster. I don't know when that will be happening though.

I still need sleep however. Tonight, to celebrate Tigrette's return to school, we are ordering pizza and watching some Disney movie. The things I do for my baby.

ms. invincible

Shit - I got sick, which is why there's been no blog entries. Last Saturday I had a strange sore throat and some body aches late in the day. By Sunday my tonsils were huge and hurt. I had chills and sweats and ended up with a fever ranging from 101 to 103.9. I thought to go to the emergency room but I've had my tonsils swell before and who can, even with health insurance, afford the $75 emergency room visit?

By Monday my tonsils were sitting on the bed with me. Grey, nasty pulsating things. I went to a doctor and he was the sweetest thing. I was hallucinating and cold in the office and he came in and, just looking at me, asked if I was okay. I think he was freaked. I know my hair was way gone.

So I got meds but was no good to anyone for a while. My voice was horrid. No food from Sunday night through Wednesday when I had some incredible ribs La Deb's roommate made. They were hell to swallow but it was a better picture than the one the day before, when I ate four bites of a cucumber and had to chug it down with a liter of gatorade.

Today is better, though I'm doing these small coughs that hurt and go on and on. Water is still the #1 food choice and I truly believe that, despite being a fruit lover, I have had enough fruit for the month of August.