feeling it

Today I lost plenty of money taking Little Lion to the pediatrician and covering medication costs so-called insurance doesn't yet cover. But she's healthy and meaner than ever. 44" and 46 lbs.

My day was hectic but good. I didn't turn down any invitations and enjoyed feeling loved. I'd been asking for it all along anyway, no?

I had a great breakfast with an attractive mujer, a great lunch with a tender friend and enjoyed a movie with someone who is more important to me than I ever realized. I got to hang with Little Lion and got a compliment to my writing from dulce, a compliment that meant a lot.

I was really feeling like that person I claim to be, the person I work to be when no one else is thinking about what I mean to them.

who can say?

Mercury must be out of retrograde. I've gotten calls I never expected, including one from Cliffy. She told me she was thinking of me and I realized I didn't even know how to read that. You know, it's actually good to not be so in tuned to someone but it does mean a greater need for true and accurate communication. Let's hope when we talk more she can tell me what she really feels/needs/is capable of/wants.

Sadly, the god of communication hasn't yet opened the doors to the special joint committee now reviewing SB6. This because they added Talton as one of the five representatives on a panel of five reps, five senators, to hash out the differences in the Child Welfare bill.

Talton, who has NO expertise in child welfare and is not a true author of the 170 page bill, offers no benefit to the committee. Let's hope the other nine dudes are actually going to give him a "talking to", i.e. a whooping.

good (?) old times

I've been thinking of Ya Vez. Can't help but. Probably because I have a new friendship starting that needs to not go the traditional lesbian route (no u-hauls). Yes, I'll avoid that since I can't handle any kind of commitment right now AND the friendship is good AND we aren't a good long-term match.

But, it brings up Ya Vez and my missing the old days. And I think about being with her again even if I know there are fundamental reasons why I can't return to that.

Seems that www.freewillastrology.com feels the same way:

LIBRA (Sept. 23-Oct. 22): Polls reveal that many Germans wish they could return to the days when the Berlin Wall was intact. They complain that dismantling the barriers between the eastern and western portions of the country has led to economic turmoil in both areas. I mention this, Libra, because I think it resembles a feeling you're currently harboring. A part of you is longing for the bad old days when a now-defunct obstacle was a fixture in your life. You're romanticizing the protection that the obstacle offered and forgetting how oppressive and limiting it was. It's OK to entertain the fantasy of restoring the wall--in fact, I recommend that you do--but don't you dare actually restore it.

I love this horoscope because the guy is a writer/poet/musician too so he places his ideas around larger issues and ideas. I never expected, however, that he'd be telling me what I didn't want to hear from myself. Damned.

scrumptious

My boss celebrated his birthday at Saba this evening and, despite my slight fever, I put make up on, covering my flushed face and adding some red lipstick. That was all I needed to feel a little better. I wasn't going to go to the gathering because of my sicky feeling but also because I thought Cliffy would be there. I've never wanted to avoid someone before but I'm not ready to see her.

I feel she lied when she told me she wanted a relationship, and after our discussion, I feel she still lied in saying she wanted to be friends. So far, I only heard from my new friend when I called her to see how she was. I want honesty in a relationship, any kind of relationship. Why is it easier to say something that will appease someone instead of just giving it out? Yes, that hurts/surprises/freaks too but I had such an expectation with Cliffy that she wasn't able to give me because what she was proposing wasn't truly what she could give. If she had just not bothered promising anything we would still be having a good time.

Maybe it's Saba's house red that made me feel a little better. Maybe it's the surprise visit I got from Ya Vez this morning but I realize I don't need to compromise while I'm free. Compromise I'm willing to do once I've met my match.

So I went, and a had some great conversation and incredible food and the women said my hair was muy sexy and Cliffy didn't show.

Funny was that Little Lion's cooking class was cancelled so she called the house looking for me and then called Ya Vez's house. Why the after school care place still has this number is beyond me but I had to laugh when she told Ya Vez she needed a ride but didn't need one from her, that she would just wait for me. THAT's the kind of straightforward talk I want people to be capable of.

Some examples:
I want you to fuck me because I'm missing my ex.
I think you are a good woman but don't see us being together in a committed relationship.
I'm needing your company because I'm lonely.
I don't know if we'll talk any more once either of us finds a girlfriend.
I know I've been shitty with you but I still want you in my life.

Try it today. Just say the shit honestly. Be different today. What does it cost?

revealing

Somehow, people all around me now say I look and act free. They are envious and enjoy my openness with others. Meanwhile, I'm looking at people at the bar, in restaurants, sitting at my table, and realize I don't feel real freedom unless I know I have a home.

I always told Ya Vez that my home was within her. When I'm stressed, I still think to call her, to fall into her warmth and feel more whole. And it doesn't mean I still see a life with her or that anyone after her is less than. But she is someone who was (and is) very important to me because we connected so strongly. It didn't help that, a couple of days ago I was looking at my personal phone book and realized I don't have a lot of people I can truly count on.

I looked at my daughter, Little Lion, a couple of weeks ago and realized I hadn't been giving her the attention she needed because I've been dealing with the divorce with Ya Vez, the joining with Cliffy and that separation. This in additional to greater demands at work and my own writing goals. So I try to give her some loving but it's hard when I feel like I'm still hurting and don't know all the ways it will take to heal.

MFI (Mi Fabulosa Intern) is dealing with her own negotiations with her ex and when we talk around that I can see the space we all occupy when we are in between. Sometimes it would be nice to not have to do the struggle alone, to just ask someone to hold you and give some love. There should be job openings for this kind of work.

new poem

I was writing so much from the holidays until this month. I haven't written anything in almost two weeks. It's nice to know the words are there waiting when I really give them the attention they deserve. I thought I'd share a new piece online. Let me know what you think.


give away

sometimes all I can manage is the coffee pot
no sugar, tossed milk
there’s no love in the act of shifting
the spoon from one side of a ceramic mug to the other

gloria left a message this morning
knew I was taking my little girl to school,
said she cannot support women anymore
that the world has to do without her ears and hands
because, in cleaning her kitchen she found no hands
and, taking her morning walk, there were no ears

the wetness in the air has left her, for now, barren
the mothers all around me have come to term
and still no birth,
we say the world cannot be carried inside anymore,
must be pushed out for the proclamation
but no one listens

mothers are good, will give their six month notice
even that won’t be enough time to restructure the change
we'll be left like motherless houses

what might be different about the warmth of my coffee
if women stop holding the universe in their bellies?

I miss Cliffy